Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter One

Saudade

(n.) a nostalgic longing for something or someone that was loved and then lost, with the knowledge that it or they might never return; "a love that remains"

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She still remembered it. Vivid as if it happened yesterday. The genuine smiles on their faces were more of a glory and she, no matter how much she tried not to, could still taste the aftermath of the kiss that was intimately shared in front of the family that they got to choose. It was the sweetest kiss that they got to share - very different from the ones they have shared in cheap and expensive motels, in the corners of clubs, in the dark alleys in the city of New York. The kiss was saccharine, so sweet that it could hurt her bones, making it brittle and more brittle everytime she would climb back into the memories. She loved her so much. So much that she was willing to give up everything for her and she did. Great thing though, she loved her back too.

"Lou, I take you to be wife. In sickness and in health, in richer and in poorer."

Wife. She was her wife and somehow, it made a difference. It kept her grounded and sane. She was her world and the only thing that kept her going. It was a blissful moment when she mumbled those words. Tears dwelling in her eyes as she pushed the ring towards her finger. And it fitted perfectly; they fitted so perfectly.

"I didn't know much about romance. I've never been drowned unto it. It was a stranger to me, so much that I didn't know what it was. But from everything I have heard, it sounded so much like deliquency. Romance was two teenagers, sneaking late at night to meet-up in wherever they wanted to. Romance was the students in a catholic school hiding cigarettes on the insides of their skirts; it was the stolen neck kisses on alleys and a hand that cupped the back-pocket of someone to grab a piece of a strawberry gum. Some people told me that romance sounded like the shattering of a house. In a fleeting moment, it was calming and in the next, it was destructive. But you came. Among the unfamiliar faces on a crowd, there was an apparition of you. Two decades of bad and good years, all mixed up. Now, I know what romance truly is. Romance is keeping me sane. Romance is the one who keeps my shits together. Romance makes me coffee with milk and two cubes of sugar, because romance knows it's how I like it. Romance gives me massages every night and romance whispers sweet affirmation to me at forenoon. Romance is here, standing in front of me, dashing and so beautiful in her white suit. Lou Miller, you are romance and I love you more than you can fathom and I will be loving you until my last exhale."

The vow was heartfelt. And she cried and wept. She remembered her pulling a joke that tears were for funerals and everyone in the ceremony laughed. It was a sweet memory, something that she couldn't let go.

"I love you, Lou. I love you very much."

Those I love yous had kept her up almost each night. The pleasure was still there, the calming vibe that it gave, but with that, she was restless. She didn't quite know if those were real, or at the very least, when did that love expire? It kept her up almost every midnight. Her throat had gone dry from silently begging. The shaking rattles from her lungs had educed a great deal of agony and dysphoria. Her ring finger was empty now. And the ring was somewhere hidden, some place where she didn't wanna open because her wounds weren't healed yet and she was afraid that it could do worse. Their house was silent everyday, and yes, it did sound like a shattering home. The laughter and the giggles were all gone; the air inside was dead and she hated it. She hated herself too for not being able to revive what they had. She was futile and helpless and she was blaming herself for everything. The bed was bigger now and she felt haunted with the huge space that it had. The pillows weren't doing her good, no matter how much she clutched unto it, thinking that it was her, hoping and still making herself to believe that it was Debbie.

"Deb..." She muffled a groan.

Debbie laughed, still continuing to pepper the blonde's neck with kisses. Lou opened her eyes, she was as hell sure that she couldn't go back to sleep with Debbie lying on top of her, kissing and licking her neck down.

"What do you need?" She asked, trying to sound irritated at her woman.

Debbie smiled as she slouched down to place a kiss on Lou's bare chest, "Nothing. I just miss you, baby."

Lou looked at the clock on the wall, "Honey, it's midnight."

"I know." Debbie sat up and pouted, "But I miss you."

Lou laughed, "Honey, we're always together."

"I know. But I miss you."

"C'mon here." Lou opened her arms and it made her lover smile.

Debbie buried herself right away on Lou's neck. The blonde's arms wrapped around her like a protective cocoon. It was one of those midnights where they spent it talking about random things, patching all the lost years that they both had spent apart.

"I wanna marry you, baby." Debbie mumbled sleepily while Lou's fingers were softly massaging her locks.

It made Lou laugh, "We are already married, baby. I'm your wife."

"But I wanna marry you again."

"Why?"

"I want everyone to always know that I love you." Debbie spoke, completely oblivious that sleep was already taking in her system.

Lou kissed her head, softly and sweetly. It made her heart leap. She didn't expect this to happen, yet it did. She kissed her once more as she traced patterns on Debbie's bare back.

"They know, baby. They know." She whispered, "And I love you too, so much."

The world has gotten bigger for the both of them; the familiar scent and the kisses already felt strange. The bed that was shared had rooted a barrier and the rings on each other's fingers felt itchy and uncomfortable that they had to remove it. It was a cruel forenoon at August when she slipped off the ring and put it on the table. Lou could still remember how much she cried that night and she spent a week brawling her eyes out. It pained her so much. They have two different worlds now, yet one single thing has kept them connected somehow.

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