Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Sixty Two

i want to bury violets in the creases of your smile, and kiss you drunkenly in the golden moonlight, louise...forever.

"When did you get this?" A silent why was buried underneath the skin of her tongue as she touched the tattoo Debbie had on the back of her shoulders; her fingers gently tracing every letter like a lonely lover basking in solitude while the other lover slept.

Lou could swear she could hear the brunette's heart, pulsing and beating like an old haunted clock, "A year ago." Debbie answered silently, three words went past her lips like a whisper.

And Lou never spoke. Never asked another question. Instead, she slowly took Debbie's hair as she put it aside before gently moving to kiss the tattoo. Debbie held herself together. She could feel the earth slowly kissing its death under her feet. A silent gasp went past her lips and underneath the golden hour of the night, Lou finally kissed her nape, slowly and lovingly.

"I can give you all the things your past lives have missed." Debbie quietly mumbled, feeling the tiny kisses Lou was planting on her nape; seconds went by, but the blonde did not spit her an answer.

How did they get there? Both wanted a happy ever after, but all they got was a tragic tragedy. Debbie internalized the moment feeling the warmth the blonde was giving for she knew that would be the last. It was what she had asked. For Lou, she was ready to go crazy, like some angsty in love teenager. Debbie was willing to give Lou the world and if the blonde would ask Debbie to strip her skin off, Debbie would oblige and would even bathe herself in salt just to show her how much she loved her. But Lou asked her to stop: that was it.

"God for fuck's sake!" Lou rose up from her seat as she held her head in both hands, so frustrated, "...you can't be foolish for me! You cannot be doing that to yourself!"

Debbie shook her head as she looked at the blonde in despair, with her face so full of tears, "But I love you..." She admittedly quietly, "...and I do not know how to stop."

Lou never spit another word. Instead, she looked out from Debbie's window; her hands holding the railing so hard that her knuckles turned white. There was a deep silence in the room except for Debbie's sniffles as she tried so hard to stop crying. The whole thing would have been easy if Lou would just give them both a chance, but the blonde had enough.

"You are Debbie Ocean." Lou broke the ice as she turned back to look at her, her voice so full as if injecting back to Debbie the severity of who the brunette was as an individual; she was not somebody else, she was Debbie, "You do not do this so stop."

"And that's the point. I do not do this, but for you, I am now."

"I do not deserve to be chased, Debs." Lou softly spoke as she wiped her own tears.

"Then don't let me chase. Give me another chance. Give us both another chance, baby. Please...I beg you."

The endearment tore Lou apart like a century old sheet of paper. And right there, she bleed. It took Lou a few moments before she slowly walked towards Debbie sitting on the bed. It was a battle between two stubborn hearts - one was still a player, one gave up already, but in the battle of hearts, no one really wins. Lou slowly sat on the bed, right in front of the brunette before she decided to cup the brunette's face dearly.

"I hate to see you like this." Lou started, two big drop of tears coming to fall as she held Debbie's face, "...you do not deserve me. I already gave up on us, okay?" She told her as she wiped the brunette's tears with her thumbs, "...you deserve someone better. Someone who will not make you cry, who will not make you chase. I admit, ours was too beautiful, but that was long gone. A lot has happened already, and I cannot bear to go through all the bad things again. Loving you has consequences, Debs and I am not like you who is ready and brave to face all those." Lou looked down as she started sobbing, "I'm weak and I am so afraid that if we go on that path again, things will fuck up. I am sorry, Debs. I'm sorry I just cannot so please stop because you do not deserve to beg, to chase, to go through all this just for me." The blonde, with her eyes so melancholic, looked at Debbie who was still crying in front of her, "If you really love me, then please obey what I want: love yourself more than you love me, Debs. Stop."

Debbie gave her a shrug, "I do not know how, Lou." She admitted, "I don't know how to fucking do it."

Lou moved closer as she made their foreheads touch, "You're Debbie. Of course, you can. What are you talking about? You can do it."

"Love me..." Debbie mumbled as she bent her head in shame, "Just fucking love me again." She begged.

"Debs please..."

Debbie stared at her painfully, "Just fucking love me because what you are asking me to do is something I cannot, Louise. I fucking cannot." Lou withdrew her hold on her as the blonde moved away in defeat, "Fuck it, if you cannot do it then just for tonight." The brunette choked on her words as she harshly wiped her tears with her hands, "Then for the last time, Lou, love me tonight. Let us act as if we did not break each other's hearts. Act as if you still love me. Pretend that you still care." Debbie shook her head as she cried even more, her chest heaving more aggresively already, "Pretend that I am still the woman you love. Pretend that you still love me." The brunette paused as she threw her face on her hands, "Fucking pretend even just for tonight."

And that was it. Lou kissed her.

"Are you sleepy?" Lou asked softly as she placed a sweet kiss on Debbie's shoulder.

"No."

"It's too late already."

Debbie's heart slowly sunk as she held her tears so strongly, "I do not want to sleep."

"Why?"

"Because then I'd wake up to you not pretending anymore. I  don't want you to stop loving me, Louise." Debbie turned over as she came face to face with the blonde who was naked on the bed, "I don't want this night to stop." She whispered.

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