Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Fourteen

"I've always fantasized about sunsets and put them into words..." She softly spoke, humming into the stillness of the night, "... moving furnitures and dirty kitchen and jokes and scattered tabletops like spilled wines and cash and music and broken poetry." She laughed, almost half crying, half heartily laughing, and then slowly, Debbie turned to look at Lou who was lying beside her on the rooftop, " But I didn't know that all this time, you have always been the only one I fancy."

Lou would have believed it, right there and then. Debbie's voice was lulling her to believe whatever she said. Her voice was so velvet and dreamy that it pinched the skins of Lou's heart. And not to mention the fact that Debbie's head was still turned sideway; still looking at her with a delicate smile on her whiskey-tainted lips. But how could she believe it when there were four empty bottles of whiskey around them? One pack of cigarettes, gone and a half-finished cigarette still hanging on the brunette's fingertips.

Lou shook her head, "Deb..." It was all she could say, her mind short-circuiting at the moment.

"What?" The brunette softly laughed as she tried to sit.

Lou immediately sat up, ready to hold Debbie so she could sit without banging her head on the table beside them or falling face first back on the rooftop's floor. But Debbie did sit, not so graciously, and she was laughing, still laughing and even though Lou didn't know why, she laughed anyway.

"Why are you laughing?" The blonde asked  in betweet a huge smile on her lips.

"Because..." Debbie started and laughed again, "...you are blushing."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are!" Debbie jested as she moved, inching closer to the blonde, eager to see her face when Lou turned to look away, "See? You are looking away because you are blushing!"

"You know what? You are drunk." The blonde stood up, "Come on,.." She offered her hand for Debbie to take, "I'll put you to bed."

"I'm not drunk!" Debbie rolled her eyes as she sucked the half-finished cigarette before stashing it onto the ground as she stood up, "I'm not drunk. I am just... frustrated."

And Lou knew why. Danny got his another success on a huge heist somewhere in Europe. Debbie, was as usual, frozen behind his brother's back; still the Ocean nobody knew about. And Lou knew how much Debbie wanted to be known, same with how much Danny and her father were known in the industry that they have chosen. It was just after six PM when Debbie dropped the call of Danny and because of that, there they were - lounging on the rooftop with the spirits of whiskey and some cigarettes.

Lou wanted to capture Debbie between her arms and whisper her that success would be hers too, someday and that she just had to wait, but how could she when Debbie was standing in front of her, eyes almost begging to be loved ? She honestly didn't know. It was a ridiculous play. The blonde wanted to kick her own mind so that it would stop thinking about romance and love, because really - even if she, in no doubt, very secretly in love with her partner, she knew that Debbie wasn't. The feelings were not mutual and so, she had to stop and suck her heart down.

"I'm drunk..." And finally, Debbie admitted.

"Yeah, I know you are, Ocean." The blonde replied, with a smug grin on her lips..

"I'm drunk and I am also in love..."

There was a pause. And Lou's heart went wild. A meteor fell and Lou looked up; contemplating whether if she should look back at Debbie in front of her or not, but gravity was too hard to defy, and so, she found herself looking back.

"I'm in love with you. And even if I won't be the greatest con woman in the world, I would be okay so long as I get to marry you, Lou."

A plane flew overhead, but this time, Lou didn't look up. Instead, she pulled Debbie into a bruising kiss.

Debbie laughed remembering how her confession went, but when her giggles became a bit loud, Lou laughed mutably before raising her finger to her lips, silently telling Debbie to lower her voice down. The afternoon hadn't ebbed yet, and Danny was still curled on  her bed like a little snowball. For some reasons, Lou and Debbie found themselves sitting on the floor, just beside the bed; recalling thousands of memories.

Debbie bit her lip to stop herself from giggling. She then threw her head back against the side of the bed before she turned to look at Lou who was still smiling remembering the memory.

"You kissed me." Debbie stated, head still tilted as she spoke.

Lou did the same; she threw her head back and tilted her head to look at her ex-wife, "Yeah, I did. It was superior than the ones we had in motels, in bars, in alleys..." She smiled at her sweetly, "It was the best and you tasted so much like whiskey and mint and..." Lou laughed before she looked up at the ceiling, "You tasted like mine and my everything and forever and marriage."

And maybe, just maybe, Lou forgot the situation. Her lips had spoken so much as if they were not divorced and when Debbie heard it, she felt haunted. Tasted like marriage? Hell, she was the one who broke the marriage. She wanted to go out of the room, but then Lou turned to look at her again.

"You tasted like marriage and I did marry you. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made, Debs." She added softly.

"Lou..." Debbie tried to cut her off.

"No, let me speak."

Debbie stood up, "No. I still have something to do."

The brunette stood up. There were tears inside her eyes begging to be released and if she would stay there and listen to what the blonde had to say, she might end up sobbing. And so, in hopes of acting brave, acting unaffected, she stood up. But before she could even go out of Danny's room, Lou held her hand and she froze.

"Please..." The blonde said, holding her hand as Debbie stood just a few inches away from the door, "Hear me out."

And when Lou spoke those words, Debbie felt as if she was a bewildered ghost in a haunted meadow. She tried so hard not to cry, but her tears were so damn hard-headed and she ended up sobbing by the door. Before Debbie could move again, Lou was already standing in front of her, eyes bluer than the usual and behind those blue eyes were the lair of sorrows Debbie didn't fail to notice.

"Don't cry, Debs." Lou spoke as she moved her hand to wipe Debbie's tears, but Debbie was so quick to wipe it on her own.

"Move. Move and let me pass."

"Hear me out, first."

"We have nothing to talk about, Lou. It's all in the past and it's done."

"Then at least let me say sorry." The blonde jested, "Let me say sorry for all those nights when you needed me and I wasn't there. For all those nights when you felt so alone and scared. I'm sorry for I was not the perfect wife I wanted myself to be."

"I was the one who demanded for a divorce, not you!"

"And that was because of me. You did it because I became a stranger. The fault's entirely mine, Debs." And with that, the tears came running down on Lou's cheeks, "I didn't become a mother to Danny in her early years and what was worse was that I forgot to be your wife too." She bit her lip as she stared at Debbie, "I'm sorry. I really am sorry."

Debbie silently nodded, "You know what, Lou? Let's just focus on our daughter now. Let's just co-parent and give her a healthy environment. What happened in the past are all in the past. And clearly, you have Julia. She's your sunshine, your everything, the one who coloured your dark life bullshit." She gave her a smirk before she wiped her tears, "You've moved on already." She finished and moved past the blonde, but before she could go out, Lou dropped the bomb.

"I haven't." Lou declared and Debbie froze once more, "I haven't moved on, Debs. Have you?"

***