Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Thirty Three

And if it was movie, where ex-lovers meet at the grave of their daughter, they would softly laugh and ask how have they been. If it was a movie, they would find each other's hands clasping again, lips brushing in a soft rhythmic phase. If it was a movie, the stars would hide and it would rain and they would be forced to stand under one umbrella. But it was not a movie, and there they found themselves, battling again - with Lou wanting to run, and Debbie willing to chase. Blue eyes against the brown mahogany ones. The moment Lou locked eyes with Debbie, she realized that even if Debbie would come as an executioner or a killer, she would, very willingly, still accept her. But Debbie, she was a collection of Lou's almost; a collection of the blonde's tears and regrets, but still, despite Debbie stabbing Lou, the blonde would still be willing to beg and to ask her to stab her even more.

"Let's talk."

Lou stopped walking. Debbie's command was like a force she, herself, couldn't repel. But Lou had enough. She's had enough of the pain, the tears and the self-loathing. With a sigh, she turned back to Debbie, eyes dead, absolutely feigning that she didn't give a fuck anymore.

"Didn't you tell me that we have nothing to talk about anymore, Mrs. Reeves? You're now married, I get that." She hissed, her teeth gritted, anger blazing through the tone of her voice, before she started to walk away again.

"Lou!" Debbie ran and blocked herself in front of her ex-wife, stopping the blonde from opening her car, "I hurt you." She admitted softly, "Let me explain, please."

"You owe me nothing. The moment you chose to leave me and got married to someone else while I was mourning and blaming myself for the death of our daughter, it was the end, Debs. We are strangers now. And you're right, as what you've said, the past is dead. What happened between you and I was something that should be buried and forgotten."

"I heard everything you told Danny."

"And?" Lou asked, "Does that change the fact that you are married?"

It was a blow that the question made Debbie shut up. Lou was trying to hold back her tears; tried so hard to keep a brave facade, but with Debbie looking at her with those brown eyes, her knees softened. The effect Debbie had on her was a lethal injection, one stare and the blonde would succumb to her death.

"Get out of my way. I want to go home." Lou commanded, her voice depleted as she looked at Debbie agonizingly, "It's late."

"Talk to me." Debbie pleaded softly, and when Lou looked down, it was when Debbie's tears started to fall, "Talk to me please." The brunette cried, "...please."

"No talk can change the fact the you are someone else's now, Debbie. But let me just say that I hate the fact that you are this person who always wants an easy way out." Lou cussed to herself as she backed away from the brunette, "When Danny was born and I suffered silently with post-partum depression, you left. When Danny died, you forgot that I was her mother too and that I was mourning. You left me, Debbie. Twice."

"I'm sorry, Lou. I'm sor --"

Lou shook her head as she kicked off a rock, "And I hate that after everything you did to me, I still love you. " The blonde, with tears streaming down her cheeks, finally looked at Debbie, "I hate that I am still so madly, helplessly and foolishly in love with you, Debs."

There was nothing else to be heard except the howling of the wind and Lou's sobs. Debbie watched the blonde as Lou stood vulnerably just meters away; seeing the blonde sobbing was a pain Debbie couldn't fathom, but how could she tell Lou to hush when she was the sole reason why Lou was crying? The brunette wiped the tears on her cheeks. It took all the courage in the world for Debbie to walk towards Lou and it took all the pain in the world for Lou not to move away from Debbie. One step. Two steps. And Debbie took the third. Slowly, Debbie, with her hands shaking, held Lou's hands as she cried.

"I am sorry, Lou. I really am sorry." Debbie cried, her head slowly coming to rest against the blonde's chest as they stood face to face, "I am sorry for hurting you."

The blonde looked away, "I am sorry too, Debs." She tried so hard not to sob, but she just couldn't, "I am sorry for not being enough. I am sorry that I couldn't be enough for you." And when Lou blurted it out, she moved and started walking away.

"Lou, please..." Debbie begged.

Please what? Lou wanted to ask. Lou waited for Debbie to ask her for a second chance, she waited for the brunette to say that her marriage was a mistake, that her marriage was out of boredom, but Debbie didn't.

"Please what?" The blonde asked, but Debbie just looked at her, speechless, "Honestly, Debs? I don't know where and how to start. I can't forget you, what more when it comes to unloving you, right?" The blonde jested, she covered the pain with a chuckle, "I hope he loves you in ways I failed to do so. I hope he gives you the whole world and I hope that in him, there will be no pain. I am happy for you, Debs. I am happy that you have found someone already, even if it means, you're completely deleting me." The blonde wiped her tears as she gave her a nod, "You can have Danny now. I'm going home."

"Don't go home yet." Debbie ran to her, held her hand again while Lou's other hand was already holding her car door, "Please..."

The blonde smiled at her, painfully sweet before she placed a kiss on Debbie's forehead. A goodbye, she told herself, "I would still be your business partner, Debs. I wish you and Keanu the lifetime I never got to have with you." She spoke as she held Debbie's cheek, "Goodnight."

The ghost of Lou's hand left tingling on Debbie's cheek. And Debbie cried silently as she watched the blonde driving away. She wanted to run, and to chase, but how could she when she was already tied to someone else?

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