Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Thirty Two

Lou sighed. Her glass of champagne was still in front, still untouched. She had been staring at the tiny bubbles occuring before her, as if she was extracting answers to questions she knew wouldn't be answered. To say that she was hurt was an understatement; seeing Debbie again, knowing that the woman she had loved more than her life was married, was a punch to the head. Having to pretend that she no longer cared, and that she was happy and fine by it was a scam. No matter how much acceptance Lou would try to devour, she would never be okay with the fact that Debbie wasn't hers anymore.

"Deb?" Lou asked, she had been trying to reach out for months and it was the first time Debbie answered the call, "Debs?" She called again, the lump in her throat growing and she knew she would start to cry sooner, "I miss you..." And with that, Lou's tears started falling, she sat on the bed, her hand holding her phone tightly against her ear, too afraid that she might let go of it and the call might be ended, "I miss you so much."

There was some rumbling on the other line, before it went completely silent. Lou knew Debbie was still there, and she wished that the brunette would say something; would say that she missed her too. Instead, all Lou heard was a sigh; a sound of letting go as Debbie cleared her throat.

"Please say something." All the cards were gone, Lou had no hope at all as she begged Debbie to speak, she covered her mouth with her hand, holding herself not to sob on the phone, "Say something, Debs. Please."

Lou waited. Waited for Debbie to speak, but Debbie didn't. Was it really hard for her to say that she missed Lou too? Perhaps, she didn't miss her at all.

"It's been months." Lou wiped her tears as she left out a sniff, "Where are you?"

"Lou, I have a favor to ask."

The smile growing on Lou's lips was so bright. Debbie sounded like music, her voice projected in a tone hinting that she wanted Lou to come rescue her. The blonde sat up, her bruised heart suddenly so alive as she waited for the other set of words Debbie had to say.

"What is it, Debs? Do you want me to co--"

"I'm not coming back. Please forget me. Forget us."

The line went beeping. The call ended. Debbie dropped the call and Lou was left alone - shocked and hurt. Her tears continued to fall as the words of Debbie kept rewinding and swirling in her mind.

The blonde got the glass of champagne and drank it empty. When she set the glass on the table back, the blonde got up, got her car key and went out. If there was one place that could pacify her bruised heart, it was Danny's grave.

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Lou pulled over outside the cemetery. It was already 11 in the evening, yet despite the creepy ambiance of the cemetery, she felt at peace. It's what a late evening brought - late evening seemed to silence and brought peace to everything. The busy roads. The shining lights of skyscrapers. The crowded highways. The cackles and murmurs of people. The echoing of her own heart. A late evening silenced those. 

The blonde got out of her car and when she did, she noticed that two meteors fell; a speedway chasing of falling stars. The old her would probably stopped and wished, but no, the moment Debbie left, she stopped chasing - stopped chasing her, stopped chasing sunsets and she stopped wishing on things too. The night was so cold. Lou wanted to kick herself for going out wearing only just a baggy pants and a tank top, but there she was already, and so she continued to walk towards Danny's grave.  The moment Lou reached Danny's grave, she breathed. All along, she noticed that she weren't breathing at all. Somehow, the stones her heart was carrying were lifted. Danny was and would forever her holy grail. The blonde slowly sat in front of the grave; she swept the dried leaves and flower petals covering Danny's name with her fingers before she smiled.

"Hi, baby." Lou spoke, "I know it's late, and you might be sleeping already, but could you blame me? Mommy is restless and I need you tonight." The wind blew and Lou wanted to believe that it was Danny's kiss, "I saw your mommy. Talked to her again. She's still so beautiful, you know." She confessed, almost a little crazy smiling to herself before she sighed her defeat, "And she's married, Dan." No matter how hard Lou stopped her tears, she just couldn't, "She's married to someone else already."

"Of course I did! You two kissed and acted like total idiots falling in love again. But how could I believe it when I have seen you two going in and out over and over again?" Danny inquired, her little hands going up as if to prove a point, "I'm so confused, mom."

"Look," Lou sighed as she reached for Danny's face and caressed it lovingly with her thumb, "I am sorry for confusing you and for being idiots, okay? But baby, it's real. I have ended whatever is going on with me and Julia through text, but I might have to talk to her in person soon. But the thing is, I will be pursuing your mom again." The blonde smiled as she stared at Danny's blue eyes, "I am planning to marry your mom again. Make her my girlfriend and then be my wife again. And I will be needing your help."

"Mom." Danny replied, her mouth hung open as she absorbed what her mom just told her, "Are you serious? Like real serious?"

The blonde gave her a nod, "Yep. Now, I want you to be a good girl because we have a lot to do this week so next week, your mom will be wearing an engagement ring again. Okay?" Danny nodded, her smile bigger than her face as she sat, "Now buckle up, young lady. Your mommy is waiting for us."

"I'm sorry, baby." Lou shook her head as she cried, "I promised you, I know, but I couldn't do it now. She's happy, Dan. Happy with her husband and I cannot bring myself to fuck that up." The blonde paused, wiped her tears as she laughed softly, "You know your mommy threatened me earlier? She's still so feisty, I'm telling you. Her hair is short, but baby, she's still the same. Your mommy still looks so beautiful..." The blonde shook her head, "...and still a brat too. But you know what, love? Despite her leaving me, despite her marrying someone else, despite everything that have happened, I cannot make myself to unlove her. I am still so in love with your mommy, baby. Still so in love."

Lou bit her lips as she silently sobbed. She thought she had already thrown away every ounce of love she had for Debbie, but every single night, everything would come crawling back to her; she would watch how every fragment of Debbie would draw her scars, even though it wasn't art, in the morning, Lou would make herself believe that it was. Debbie, her ex-wife, Debbie, someone else's wife, planted flowers inside Lou's lungs, and even though it made breathing harder for Lou, the blonde still considered it beautiful.

"I'm so hurt, Dan. I cannot explain the pain your mom gives me. She always leaves. Worse is that, no matter how many times she would leave me, I still want to chase. You know how much I badly wanted to hold her by her shoulders and shout it to her face how much I love her still? Your mommy has me on hold, baby." 

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry for hurting your mom. For always hurting and leaving her."

That voice. Lou looked back and behind her was Debbie, in her robe, with a champagne bottle and a glass on hand. Lou couldn't believe it. Debbie was behind her, with tears streaming down on the brunette's face.

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