Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Forty Seven

The streetlights were still there - standing, gleaming brightly on the cobblestone pavement. The coffee shop Lou loved was beginning to close for the night. There were people passing by the fountain in the park - some were holding hands, some were alone, like she was. The phone that was in her pocket was ringing and she knew that behind those calls was Debbie. The last text she read from her was that she was already there in Lou's house, and that Debbie was waiting for her, but for the blonde everything was futile. After her meeting with Keanu, instead of going home, she decided to stay at the park of the neighborhood where she was living. Her house was just blocks away, but she could not bring herself there. She could not really go home because she knew that if she ever does, it would be the end.

Her heart was too torn as she realized how unfortunate their lives were. She and Debbie just got secretly engaged and she promised her that they would make up for all the sunsets and lazy forenoon cuddles that they missed when they weren't together, but how could she fulfill that promise when Blaire's safety was at risk? With a defeated sigh, Lou hung her head down as her tears slowly fell. The diamond ring on her finger gleamed and it was when she realized that maybe, just maybe, her ring finger was meant to feel alone. No ring, no promises because now, as she sat there, she didn't know what to do anymore.

She loved Debbie. With all of her heart. She loved her unconditionally, with no ifs and buts, but she loved Blaire too. Blaire saved her in all of those times when she felt she couldn't have another night anymore. When Lou was crying over the death of Danny, over the heartbreak that Debbie had caused, Blaire's cries saved Lou from hurting herself. Blaire's constant crying saved Lou from all the bad things that she could have done. The blonde couldn't bring herself to kiss another funeral again. She couldn't even imagine Blaire getting hurt, what more Blaire being gone? She had the power, the money, but the man that became her enemy has ways too, and she knew that she could not outpower him.  Lou's phone rang again. Despite her feeling the debris of her heart falling, she stood up from the bench that she was sitting, walked towards her car and drove home. When she reached home, Debbie was waiting outside the door - worry and relief both plastered on her face as she saw Lou going out of the car. But the moment Lou stood by her car door, it was when Debbie noticed that the blonde had been crying.

"Lou? Lou, what happened?" Debbie asked, rushing to hold the blonde, "I kept texting and calling you, but you were not answering. What happened?" She added as she studied the blonde's face, trying to seek answers, yet Lou only gave her a silent stare, "Baby, I am worried. Tell me what happened now."

Lou wanted to not speak as it would only make her cry even harder, but with Debbie staring at her like that, with those brown eyes looking at her softly and worriedly, she sobbed.  The blonde's desire for Debbie - for Debbie's love, all of her was sharp and deep.  Nothing in the world could silence it and nothing in the world could fill it but Debbie.  And in that second, Lou knew that a universe of emptiness and a jar of heartaches were waiting for her. With a defeated heart, Lou looked up and stared back at Debbie silently. She was bound to a complete surrender, she knew. As their eyes locked, with Lou's face fully covered in tears, Debbie started crying too. The brunette may not know what really happened, but the look on her lover's face was enough to tell her that it ain't good. In her complete silence, Lou slowly removed the engagement ring on her finger and Debbie stood there, in front of her, watching as the blonde removed the ring. To say that Debbie was shocked and hurt was an understatement; Debbie felt the whole world crashing behind her as she looked at Lou, her tears spilling faster than time and she looked at her, silently asking her why.

"I'm sorry."

And like the most painful tragedy in books, Debbie watched as Lou started walking away. No phrases of why had been uttered, but the engagement ring that was once on Lou's finger was now left abandoned on the brunette's palm. Debbie's heart sunk as she stood there alone, but just before the blonde would open the door, Debbie stopped her on her track.

"Why are you doing this?" Debbie asked as she started walking to where Lou was, "Why are you giving this back to me?" She asked, trying so hard not to sob as she clasped the engagement ring on her finger tightly.

Lou stopped. Her back against Debbie. She had so much of Debbie in her heart, but as she said those two words: I'm sorry, she had to let it all go. Lou slowly turned, fearful to even look at Debbie in her eyes.

"Why?" Debbie asked helplessly, "Why is this happening? Everything is fine, Lou. Why?" She added as she rushed to hold Lou, but the blonde slightly pushed her off, "Look, if you have problems, we can talk." Debbie mumbled before she paused, her heart too wrecked as she stood there, "...just please don't do this."

"Let's stop this." Lou replied, "Let's stop, Debs."

"Why? Fucking tell me why, Lou!"

"Because I just want us to stop! You're married! Go back to your husband!"

"Does he know? Does he know about us?" Debbie interrogated, yet Lou gave her a muted answer, "Well, great because I am divorcing him and I am marrying you." She spoke; Debbie sighed and how she ended up cupping Lou's face and pressing a long kiss on the blonde's forehead as she cried was a blur, "Don't do this, babe. Don't do this to me. To us." She whispered, in her attempts to win back Lou, to make her wear the ring again, Debbie did the thing that herself was not even acquainted to: she begged, "I beg you. I am begging you, Louise. Please. Wear this ring and let me marry you. Let me marry you again."

"You don't understand." Lou shook her head as she backed away from the brunette, "I can't. We cannot anymore."

"Then fucking tell me why." And as those five words slipped out of Debbie's lips, she sobbed. "Fucking tell me your reason. Please." She added, her shoulders shaking as she held herself altogether.

"Blaire. He is putting Blaire in between. I cannot lose my daughter, Debs. I cannot!"

"You will not lose your daughter, Lou! You will not --"

"The audacity of you to say that when our daughter is even there, lying lifeless, a fucking skeletal, six feet under the ground!" She ran her hands through her face as she heaved the deepest sigh, "I cannot do that to Blaire. I cannot lose another daughter again. I cannot face another funeral again, Debs." Lou added softly, all her armor had been taken off as she gradually sat ran her fingers through her hair, "I can't."

"Did he threaten you? Telling you that Blaire will be dead if we do not stop? Lou, I am his wife and no matter how mad he can be, he can never hurt a kid. Please do not listen to him."

"Exactly! You're his wife. Go back to him."

"I will marry you, Louise." Debbie spoke as she wiped her tears, too stubborn to even be phased with the dagger looks Lou was giving her, "I will marry you."

"Can't you fucking understand? He will kill my daughter if we do not stop! I cannot risk Blaire for this! For you!"

"Cannot risk for me?" Debbie looked up at the dark skies as she tried so hard not to sob again, "I didn't ask you to do that. Because I too, cannot, risk Blaire. I love that child. She's like my daughter, Lou." She mumbled softly, "All I want is for you to wear this ring back, be fearless and be with me as we solve this problem."

"I'm breaking up with you. Problem solved." And with the coldest tone Lou had ever produced, she started walking away.

"Well, fuck you, Louise! Fuck you for being so scared!" Debbie yelled along with the engagement ring being thrown to Lou's direction, "You are such a scaredy cat. Where is the fearless Lou that I fell in love with? The I do not give a fuck Louise? The I am not scared Lou Miller? Where the fucking fuck is her?" Debbie shouted as her tears started streaming down again.

The engagement ring fell on the pavement Lou was standing, producing a soft ping sound, yet the blonde only looked at it, but she never picked it up again.

"That Lou died a long time ago, Debbie. That version of Lou died along with Danny."

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