Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Sixty One

"Mommy is sick." Danny rumbled as she stood in front of Lou who was busy texting Julia on her phone, "She is sick."

"What do you mean sick?"

"She's still in bed and she tells me not to kiss her or hug her." Danny gave her mom a pout, "What does mommy wants when she's sick?"

"You sure she's sick?"

Danny gave her a shrug, "I think so, but yeah. She has went back to sleep in the guest room."

"You know what?" Lou put down her phone on the couch as she held Danny's hands who was only seven years old at the time, "Mommy wants kisses and hugs when she's sick."

"Well you do it!" Danny jested as she tugged her mommy's hand urging her to stand up, "I obviously am not allowed to be near a sick human so you do it because you are older!"

"But Dan mommy and I are --"

Danny tugged her even more which made Lou stand up, "Come on! Mommy needs hugs and kisses. You go inside and I'll be at the door. Come on, mommy!"

Lou elicited a sweet laugh as she tucked Blaire to bed, "You're gonna be fine here? I can keep the lights on, baby."

"You're still not answering my question." Blaire mumbled as she drew the blanket up until her chin, "What does mommy wants when she's sick? Will you make her a soup? When I am sick, I want you to sleep beside me so what does she wants?"

There was a tug on the blonde's heart as she looked down at Blaire. The kid was a mirror of her older sister Danny and Lou could clearly see it. A smile on Lou's lips appeared before she sweetly touched Blaire's cranberry cheeks.

"She wants..." Lou paused rethinking if she should say it, "...hugs and kisses."

"Will you do it mommy!"

Lou's mistake some time ago was refusing to what Danny ordered here. When Danny pushed her into the guest room, all Lou did was watched as Debbie slept with her fever so high, and she regretted it with every ounce of her soul because she knew she could have done better. She could have taken care of her, but she did not. So now, with Blaire, giving her a repeat of what happened yesterday, it made her hopeful because through her kid, she could somehow correct some of her mistakes.

"Okay, I will little miss." The blonde answered sweetly as she kissed Blaire's nose, "You're gonna be fine here?"

"I will, mommy. Now go."

"Okay. Goodnight. I love you, monkey."

Blaire yawned as she held her mommy's hand and kissed it sleepily, "I love you, mommy. Now go kiss and hug, mommy Debbie."

Lou shook her head slyly as she silently laughed, "I will." She answered in a whisper as she watched Blaire dozing off to sleep, "Sweet dreams."

-----

Lou tiptoed her way inside Debbie's room. The whole room was dark except for the golden lamp on her bedside table. Danny's photo was beautifully standing on it and it crumpled her heart. Debbie might not be the best wife in the universe, but she was the best mother, more better than she was. She slowly dragged a chair towards the brunette's bed upon realizing that sitting on the side of her bed would not be a great idea. And Lou sat in front of Debbie; while Debbie was oblivious of what was happening, Lou was in front of her, silently watching her slept.

The falling of Debbie's chest as she breathed somehow put Lou at peace. It was like there was an invisible melody attached to it that Lou found it amusing. Debbie's waves were scattered all over her silk pillow and Lou was holding herself back not to touch it, because all the gods knew she so badly wanted to play with her hair. On Debbie's face were the histories that both of them had etched and Lou could see the whispers of their yesterday on Debbie's reddish lips. A part of her wanted so much to gently touch the brunette's lips, but that was something she was not allowed to do anymore. To divert her attention, Lou reached out for Danny's photo on the bedside table. The blonde gently touched the photo with her finger, as if she was caressing her dead daughter's face. The blonde knew there was absolutely nothing on the back of it, but there was something telling her to look and so she did. She flipped the photo and on the back was a short letter written by Debbie.

Dear Danny,

Saw your mommy today again and she still looks so beautiful. She was doing absolutely nothing, but she still looks like a goddam beauty and I wanted to shout: how could someone be that beautiful? God, I wish you were here so you could tell her how beautiful she is because I cannot anymore. She and I have ended for such a long time; she tells me she's not in love, and I still wish she's lying. I still am so in love with her, that I cannot deny.

I wish you are still here, baby.

Love,
Mommy

And to say that Lou was trying so hard not to cry was a lie. The letter written by the woman sleeping in front of her clutched her heart so much that she started questioning if holding herself back from Debbie was right. She knew - that by telling herself she had moved on - she was fooling herself. She could never get away from Debbie, that she knew. But she also knew that she got tired - of chasing, of hurting, of burning Roman cities after cities over a grasp of Debbie.

"God knows I loved you too much that I was left with nothing for myself, Debs..." Lou silently whispered into thin air as she put down Danny's photo; she was trying so hard not to cry, but she ended up failing, "I loved you. I loved you so hard that I did not know if what I was doing was right anymore. And now you're here, knocking down all the walls I have built. I do not know, Debs. I don't know anymore."

"God knows I love you too much too."

Lou was shocked as Debbie spoke, with her voice so weak and fragile. The blonde was statued on her seat as she watched Debbie opened her eyes and sat back on the bed.

"God knows I love you too much too that despite all the bad things that have happened between us, I still want you. Too much that even if I would look so stupid, so crazy and foolish, it would be fine because you are the one I am chasing." And how Debbie ended up sobbing on the bed was a blur; she painfully looked at the blonde across her as she sobbed, "I am willing to go through all the goddamn pain I have went through just for you to love me again, Lou. And goodness,.." Debbie paused as she sobbed even harder, her hands coming up to hold her head, "...if there is an available potion that can make me unlove you, I would drink it because Debbie Ocean does not want to look like a goddamn fool, Lou."

There was a pause.

"I don't do chasing, but for you, I can and I would not mind doing it for the rest of my life, Louise."

***