Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Thirty One

The whole house was dead. The sympathy baskets of carnations and lilies that were given to them were now dead - withered and brown, with the petals falling off already. It was an immense destruction and no matter how silent the house was, the loud chaotic mess it created was still dominant. Danny had been gone for a week and Lou and Debbie had been gone; had been falling apart too. The blonde did it all though, tried to pacify and reach out to Debbie, but the brunette completely shut her off. The hard thing was, because Julia died, Debbie had no one to blame, but Lou. 

The unfinished cigarettes were sitting on the table, it's ashes scattered -  ashtray's too occupied now. There were untouched instant meal boxes on the table too, Debbie and Lou - both too tired to even eat. The blonde was well aware that Debbie was in deep pain, but couldn't Debbie see that she was in pain too? Debbie hadn't spoken to her, had refused to talk to her and she knew that sooner, the brunette would leave again. Did Debbie forget that she was Danny's mom too? That she, too, had lost her daughter?

Lou came out of the bathroom, the first bath she took since Danny was buried, only to see Debbie packing her things. Two suitcases on the bed fully packed and a passport. Debbie's passport. The blonde felt her knees jellying, and she wanted to retreat back into the bathroom; wanted to sit on the cold tile for hours again, wanted to feel the cold water drowning her, but she stayed still despite the urge to go back and pretend that she didn't see Debbie packing. Her breath held, and so were her tears.

"At this hour?" The blonde asked, she would have wanted to say, you're leaving me again - a flat accusation, but she knew deep down it was the truth. Instead she added, "At seven pm?"

Debbie gave her a look for a second before she continued to pack, "My flight is at ten."

The blonde nodded to herself. So this was it? She wanted to say, but she kept it to herself. No, Debbie did not deserve to be disappointed even more at her. Lou looked down, her knees wanting badly to collapse. She watched as Debbie opened a drawer, got out all of her jewelries and stashed it inside a bag. With her heart slowly sinking, Lou walked towards the bed and sat on it quitely as she continued to watch like a little child watching her own mother packing to run.

"Do you have anyting to say?" Debbie broke the silence as she stopped and stared at Lou.

The blonde bit her lip, suddenly afraid that she might cry if she would talk, "I don't know." She whispered.

"I'm leaving Lou." A pause. A break. A stab. A bomb. "I'm leaving you again." A heartbreak.

If it was really it: the end, the gameover, Lou would want to drive off to a cliff, but no, she figured that Danny wouldn't want a coward mother. Still, with Debbie's words, she slowly let go of her tears. The blue-tainted hopes she had - of marrying Debbie again, of having her as wife again, to sharing mornings and nights, of making almost burnt toasts and perfectly made coffee, those were all gone. With so much tears coming out of her eyes, the blonde hung her head down to her lap. It was too much. The pain was eating her alive.

"Fuck it." She heard Debbie cussed, "Fucking say something, Louise." She commanded with her teeth gritted together, all the anger and blame coming up together.

Lou looked up, eyes swollen and her face covered in tears, "What do you want me to say?" She asked, in a tone so helpless that it stabbed Debbie.

"Anything." Debbie answered, voice too low as the pain slowly struck her again, "Fucking say anything." She whispered, her tears already rolling down as she sat beside Lou on the bed, a space between them big enough for Danny's ghost.

"I... I am sorry." Lou started, she wiped her tears as she tried to go on, "I am sorry that it happened. I am sorry that Danny isn't here anymore." The pain of losing her daughter punched Lou on the chest, it was too unbearable that she started sobbing as she threw her face on her palms, "I'm sorry I wasn't able to save Danny. I am sorry that our daughter died. That I --" Lou shook her head as she sobbed on her palms, "...I understand your pain, Debs." She added, "But what I don't understand is that you are not the only one in this..." She muttered as the turned to face Debbie, "I have lost my daughter too."

"You fucked up with Julia." Debbie uttered emotionlessly, "Danny faced the consequence that you should have been facing, Louise. You should have been dea --"

"Fuck it!" Lou stood up, her voice raising in anger as she looked at Debbie, "I know, Debbie! I know! I should have been dead, yes! Motherfucking yes! If only I could give my life to Danny, to our child, I would!" She cried, her tears too unstoppable that she was having hard time breathing, "I didn't like nor expect that to happen,and yes, I am to be blamed. But can't you see that I am a mother too? I am a mother mourning over the death of her kid? Can't you see that I am in pain too? And now you're leaving me? Again? For the second time, Debs?"

Debbie stood up, "I cannot stay, Lou because every single time I look at you, I would get reminded by the fact that you once loved the killer of my child. And yes, you are to be blamed. Will forever blame you for the death of my kid."

"Lou! Louise! Ms. Miller!" Debbie called, rushing to chase Lou before she could get into the elevator, "Fucking moron." She muttered to herself, hinting that Lou would never stop, "Louise! Can you just please fucking stop?"

Lou sighed before she turned to look back at Debbie, "Language, Mrs. Reeves."

Debbie clenched her jaw, "What the hell was that? You almost tell everything to Keanu!" She spoke as she walked towards Lou, careful not to let anyone hear her.

The blonde fixed her suit, letting her cleavage be displayed even more, "What?" She taunted, "Your husband doesn't know?"

Debbie moved towards her, dominance in displayed, "No and I will never let you spill anything. My past is dead. You - whatever we had back then, everything is dead." She jested, brown blazing eyes against the blue ones, "Dare tell, and I will be your greatest enemy."

The blonde only gave her a smile, "You became my enemy the moment you left me, Debbie. While I was mourning over the death of my kid, there you were in Greece, fucking and marrying your husband. No worries, Mrs. Reeves." Lou answered emphasizing Mrs. Reeves, "I will never ruin what you and your husband have. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get home."

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