There was an ache deep in Lou's bones that swayed to the rhythm of Debbie's name. An ache so deep that she knew it wouldn't heal, not yet, but it wasn't really Debbie's entire fault. She had hers too. But beneath her skin was that longing for Debbie that never in years did die - even if they were divorced and she was out fucking different women - even until Julia came, that longing never really ceased. And she understood why. Her body fluently spoke Debbie's name, her soul craved the tilt of Debbie's warmth; Debbie was her mother tongue and no matter how hard she tried to speak another language, she could never unuttered Debbie.
Lou hated how everything fell apart. The guilt on her lips was too much and when Debbie asked for a divorce and when the brunette moved to another country, Lou chased the regrets down her throat, chased it with high-spirited drinks until her own saliva tasted nothing and her own existence tasted like a mistake. She didn't actually think that they would fall apart, because damn all the gods, Debbie was her holy grail, her god and her everything, but they fell apart, chose to close their book and decided to pull the bands off their ring fingers. And people were right, love was a poison - addictive and destructive, but Lou could go on and taste it all over again just to have Debbie back.
The anxious blonde waited for Debbie in the balcony. The events that unfolded that day - her, hearing Debbie's song, and Debbie kissing her in the middle of the rain were something she was having hard time digesting, but it did happen and to say that she was grateful was a far-flung statement, because she was beyond the term bliss. They spent the day inside the house playing and cooking and it was as if they weren't divorced and now that Danny was up sleeping, it was time to talk.
"Not a fan of sweaters?"
Lou looked back only to find Debbie walking towards her. The rain on that early morning died and it gave back a luminious night full of stars and a bright moon. Debbie smiled at her shyly as she walked to where Lou was.
"Not cold?" Debbie asked again, her hands coming to hold the balcony's railing as she looked at the view in front.
Lou smiled to herself, "No." She held the railings too, suddenly aware of the weight in her heart that was beginning to drop, "Is Danny sleeping already?" She asked.
Debbie looked at her before the brunette turned around, her back against the railing as she looked at Lou, "Deep in wonderland."
The blonde looked at her and only gave Debbie a smile. And just like how serene and silent the grave of ex-lovers were, they, too, became silent. No one utter a single phrase and once again, they were stuck in a battle field of two tugging hearts. The silent became so awkward that both of them just wanted to run down the balcony and disappear, but despite the awkwardness, they both wanted to end everything - lay all the baggages down, break each other's hearts for one last time and have their own shakespearean tragedy. Both just wanted to end the pining and the pretending because damnit, they both couldn't feign anymore.
"So..." Lou and Debbie chuckled when they both broke the silence in synch.
Debbie laughed, "You go ahead."
"No, you go. I mean..." Lou paused, bit her lower lip as she took the image of a still laughing Debbie, "I have a lot to say so I might eat the entire night so it would be better if you go ahead."
The brunette considered her for a second before she faced Lou, and with her warmest voice, she asked, "I have a lot of things to say too, and I am afraid that it might take days or months or years, but tonight..." Debbie looked at Lou's eyes before she held both of the blonde's hands, "... can I just hug you?"
Lou shot Debbie a look; a longing gaze, with a little disbelief. The waters hiding behind her orbs really wanted to spill, and she was refraining herself from talking again because she didn't want to cry anymore. But the moment Debbie's hands wrapped around her waist and when Debbie placed her hand on the back of the blonde's head, urging Lou to lean her head on her chest, it was when Lou lost it all. She cried. All the pain, the regrets and the unuttered apologies were all rushing down on her and there, wrapped between Debbie's arms, Lou surrendered.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am really really sorry." Lou murmured, tears streaming down her face and on Debbie's shoulder. "I should have be --"
"I shouldn't have left." The brunette cut her off as she cupped Lou's face and stared at her blue eyes, "I shouldn't have left you, baby." And with that, Debbie's tears fell. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I failed to notice what you were going through. Im sorry I wasn't there and didn't become a safespace for you. Im sorry if I left you unnoticed while you were fighting with the post-partum depression." Debbie wiped Lou's tears with her thumb as she pressed a soft kiss on the blonde's forehead, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, baby."
"I'm sorry too." Lou moved to caress Debbie's cheek as she tried to show her a smile, "I'm sorry for not telling you, for leaving you and Danny before you even left me. I am sorry for not being the perfect wife that I promised you I would be." Lou shook her head as more tears streamed down, "I'm sorry, honey. I am so sorry."
"I'm sorry too, my love." Debbie replied as she softly kissed Lou's tears that were staining her cheeks, "I'm sorry."
Lou, despite the tears on her face, laughed, "So what now?"
"What do you mean what now?"
"What's the plan Ms. Ocean?" The blonde asked as she tucked some loose hair behind Debbie's ear.
"Let us correct our mistakes." The brunette answered as she flattened her palms against Lou's chest before she looked up at her, "Let us be a family again."
"Then marry me." Lou replied, "Marry me again, Debs."
***
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Saudade | Loubbie
Fanfiction🚨 𝐍𝐨 𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐝. The world has gotten bigger for the both of them; the familiar scent and the kisses already felt strange. The bed that was shared had rooted a barrier and the rings on each other's fingers felt it...
