Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Sixty Five

Debbie held Lou's finger, making it stopped on the skin of her cleavage, "You know too well I can't and won't accept you as a friend." She answered, and as she held Lou's finger, her next move blew the blonde away because Debbie, with her eyes glued on Lou's, she slowly guided Lou's hand to hike her night gown up; Lou smiled as she looked at Debbie's hand guiding her own hand, subtly telling her what to do - and it happened, Debbie's night gown hiked up on her waist and Lou's hand landed almost on Debbie's left breast,"And also, what kind of things?"

Lou held her heart as she was met by Debbie's eyes. Those deep brown eyes stared at her boldly, as if telling her to strip off her skin. There was something enigmatic with Debbie's eyes and Lou knew it the very first time she saw her, still up until now, she hasn't figured the enigma beneath the brunette's eyes. Somehow, Lou's palm that was peacefully matted below Debbie's breast slowly retreated. Lou withdrew her hand away from Debbie and the look on the brunette's face painted doleful metaphors that only her inner heart could understand, but the one she was staring at was Lou -  and Lou was different. Lou knew her for years, could recoginize her even with her eyes closed; Lou knew every crevice of Debbie's individuality and Lou knew that in that moment, Debbie was not just shocked, but hurt too. Suddenly, it felt cold and awkward just standing in front of each other after almost fucking each other's souls out, but Lou had enough. She has had enough.

"I'm thinking of things only couples do."

Lou's voice came out defeated. As she spit those words out, she hung her head as if she was too ashamed by her confession. That moment was the collapsed of the walls Lou had built. It was the game over of her holding back. Debbie was beyond shocked. Her mouth opened as she looked at Lou in front of her who had her head bent down, but what really did shock Debbie more was the fact that Lou started to cry.

"I'm sorry." Lou looked up to stare at her, her eyes too full of tears, "I have come to realize that I am just fooling myself. Too afraid of what will come between us again so I shut you off and I feigned that I have moved on,.." She bit her lip as she shook her head in disbelief, "Goodness... I fooled myself into thinking that my life is better without you. Fooled my heart and said that I don't love you anymore." Lou covered her mouth before wiping it angstly, "And in the process of doing all that, I hurt you. I keep hurting you. I keep taking all the calmness you have in yourself. All the peace in you, I trashed. I'm sorry but --"

Debbie cut Lou off by cupping her face. The brunette was at bliss hearing every word that came out of the blonde's lips, but at the same time, she could not bear looking at her while she was crying. With Debbie's eyes full of sympathy and love, she gave Lou the sweetest smile she could.

"Ssshh..." Debbie uttered sweetly as she shook her head, "There's nothing to apologize. You don't have to apologize."

Lou held her hands that were cupping her face and she sobbed, quietly, painfully, "I love you still, but I don't deserve you. After all the pain I injected into your system, I don't deserve to be loved by you, Debs." Lou paused as she stared at Debbie once more, "I keep on ruining you. I keep on hurting you. I am such a storm, Debs. Such a storm." The regret on her voice was overflowing that somehow, it pierced her own heart.

Two big drops of tear fell from Debbie as she wiped Lou's tears with her thumbs, "Will you forgive me too?" The blonde was baffled, but before she could ask why, Debbie chose to go on, "Forgive me, but I would beg to be ruined by you one more time. Your shaking hands, I would hold and put it around my neck. Your love, I would seek for eternity, centuries after centuries."

Lou shook her head as her tears continued to fall, "You don't understand. I only give you despair, sadness. I keep on hurting you with my sharp tongue. My existence is a claw mark, Debs."

"Then if that's that, I would let you mark my skin with traces of despair; I would beg you to slice my wrists with your sharp tongue,.. you can pretend it's a kiss, can't you?" Debbie wiped Lou's tears eventually caressing her left cheek lovingly, "Your claw marks will be placed on my neck and I'll pretend those are kiss marks. Forgive me for the blood running through my veins will always love you in the most godless way, Louise." There was a pause before Debbie leaned her forehead onto Lou's, "I love you, Louise. So much. Forgive me for loving you is the only thing I know." She added before Debbie went on to sob completely.

"Forgive me, Debs. For everything I did. For every goddamn thing I put you through." Lou broke the ice as she cupped Debbie's face, "I want to correct my mistakes. I want to do the right thing now. I can't keep on pretending that I don't love you anymore. Give me one last chance."

If there was one thing Lou should have known, it was the fact that Debbie would give her a million chances. The brunette would not mind wasting chances for Lou, giving into her back over and over again, because she was Lou and she was all Debbie wanted.

Debbie smiled before eliciting a sweet laugh in between her tears, "Goodness. I would not run out of chances for you, baby and you know that."

The way Lou's eyes sparkled was too beautiful for Debbie. Debbie smiled at her even more before Lou proceeded to wipe Debbie's tears with her bare hands.

"I want to do this slow. Court you again. Make you feel like you're the only woman in this whole wide world. I want to prove again that you were, you are, would always be the only woman I want, Debs. I want to love you in the gentlest way I could. I want to make you feel that every ounce of my love is magical." Lou slowly looked down as she held Debbie's hands before kissing each of her knuckles, "Please..."

"You don't know how happy you are making me feel right now, Louise." Debbie sobbed as tears of joy finally fell down from her eyes, she slowly touched Lou's chin and caressed it lovingly with her fingers, "It will always be a yes, Lou. Always."

In that moment, it was as if a thick sheet of rotten leaves that was wrapped around Debbie's heart was lifted. She felt overjoyed knowing what the blonde had just spit because finally, everything fell right into its place. Finally, Lou wouldn't let her chase anymore. Finally, she and Lou would be back into each other just like what the stars had written.

Debbie shook her head, wiped her tears as she laughed softly, "So what now?" She asked, her eyes now too soft as she looked at Lou who was smiling sweetly at her.

The blonde tucked a few of Debbie's loose hair behind her ear as she answered, "I'd like to begin an us again, Debs." She spoke before kissing Debbie's nose sweetly, "And I want to make sure this time, there will be no break-ups anymore. I want us to last, Debs."

Debbie gave her a nod, like a little child who was asked if she wanted a candy, "I'd like that too."

Lou smiled as she paused; it was as if she was contemplating what to say. And it was true, she was. Her head had a million things swriling inside, waiting to be spoken out, but she did not know what to say first. She did not want to break the moment, so instead, she chose to ask the most cliché thing she could ever ask her.

With a hand on Debbie's chin, she asked softly, "Can I kiss you?"

Debbie's head flew back as she laughed. Her sweet saccharine laugher flew around the air and in that moment, Lou knew she was doomed to kiss Debbie for an eternity.

"Really? That's your question?"

And with a courageous heart, Lou kissed her.

***