Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Thirty Six

"Damn."

It was all her lips had to say. Too tired to even utter another curse. The door of the comfort room rattled and Debbie barged in, too hasty as she reached for the faucet, hastily turning it on. She splashed her face with water. The reflection on the mirror. The anguish on her face. The regrets spilling from her heart. It was all too much. The meeting room that she was in earlier suffocated her; those men, their flirty acts, Lou's giggle; damn it.

"Fuck this." Debbie took another cuss as she kicked the garbage bin with her heeled foot, "Damn everyone. Fuck it."

The brunette let her fingers ran through her hair as she started pacing back and forth inside the comfort room. Why was she even feeling it? That twisting knot in her stomach was too intense that it sent her running out from the meeting room. She couldn't be jealous. She's married. She had another ring on her finger. She had made another vow. Jealousy couldn't drag her up now. Debbie went back to stare at her reflection: you were not jealous, she told herself. But damn, those scenes of Lou interacting with those men just kept replaying back.

And gradually, the brunette felt hot tears streaming down her cheeks. Damn this life. It was all coming back. One day, she just woke up with Lou's name not hurting her anymore. She got used to forgetting her; she got used with the absence. Her laments and her what could have beens didn't claw at her chest anymore; she just woke up one day, without Lou; she was, yet again, miles away; she left, but could she say it was worth it? Debbie shook her head, realizing she couldn't answer the question. Just when she thought Lou was her nothing anymore, the wind blew carrying everything and voila, she came to conclude that she could never erase Lou. And maybe, just maybe, she could not unlove her.

The pain of letting her go, that Debbie thought she had already buried in the deepest sands was coming back. The unfeeling of feelings was a joke and she stood there, kissing her own tears. Debbie knew that she was to be blamed, and as she realized how much damage she had done, she too, wanted to follow Danny. It was a futile attempt if ever she would choose to chase Lou, what for? Her hands were knives and she could never ever cut Lou split open again. But damn, while she sat beside her in the meeting room, she just wanted badly to reach for the blonde's hands, hold it under the table for as long as she could.

Debbie couldn't hold it anymore and she ended up sobbing. She was adamant that when someone would ask her about love, her answer would always be Lou, but could Lou do the same after what she did to her? Could Lou even utter her name without tasting bitterness and regrets? Could Lou even love her again? Lou was a heart-shaped memory forever attached to her, and she, Debbie, was a bloodstain on a honeydew white dress: forever a pain in the ass, a lifetime of curses and hollow goodbyes. Debbie knew that Lou had cried her a river, but if she could undo things, she was willing to cry her an ocean just so she could breathe her in once more. Debbie was willing to slit her pride, kneel and kiss Lou's feet for an apology just so she could hold her again.  Of kissing her. Of holding her. Of tracing her back with the lightest touch of her fingertip. Of spilling and eating blackberries in the middle of the night. Of slow dances under the gleam of the moon, all of those, Debbie craved. She missed Lou terribly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, Lou."" Debbie muttered to herself as she cried, the immense regrets suddenly coming down, "I'm really --"

Her words were cut dead as she door of the comfort room opened and there, rushing as she came in, was Lou. The blonde was hasty as she came, as if she ran after Debbie, but the moment she saw the tears on the brunette's face, terror and agony started printing upon her face. Their eyes locked as Lou stood just beside the door, but it didn't take too long when the blonde deleted the space, held Debbie in before she trapped the sobbing brunette in between her arms, Lou's other hand coming to hold the back of Debbie's head, cradling her.