Saudade | Loubbie

Chapter Fifty Four

Debbie lovingly touched the name engraved on the marble tombstone. She missed her. Badly. And that night was one of the many nights when she found herself tossing on bed - the urge to just run away and be gone was too extreme, but that was something that she would want to diminish. The habit of running away when things go south was the only thing she so wanted to bury. And so, Debbie just found herself driving towards Danny's grave. That was the only place where she felt like she was somehow in another dimension, some place unknown and the place where she could truly be at peace.

"You should have been in middle school right now, baby. And probably, I'd be on full protective mode because I am sure boys would go crazy over you." The brunette laughed to herself as the cold breeze of air wrapped her skin and somewhere, she knew Danny could hear her; she knew her baby was listening, "I met your mom last week. I am teaching at the school where your sister is studying." She added before taking a sip of the bottled beer she had on hand, "Isn't it ironic? Before, your mom was the one sitting here on your grave, talking to you about me and now it's me." She shook her head as she elicited a giggle, "Your mom is still so beautiful and hot. Still the same feisty australian chick. And goodness,.." Debbie rolled her eyes as if Danny was there, "...still so hard to crack."

"You know it's bad to talk ill about someone?"

And if Debbie would say that her heart didn't skip a beat, it would be an extreme lie. The brunette felt like the skies were slowly covering her up. She knew that voice and when she turned to look back, there she was - Lou Miller, in her full glory. With her sexy suit and those tantalizing blue eyes. Debbie was glued on the spot where she was sitting, unable to speak as she realized Lou was there.

"Hey, Dan? Whatever your mommy said don't believe her." Lou broke the ice as she sat beside Debbie uninvited.

The smell of freshly sprayed vanilla and musky autumn wood rained on Debbie's senses. Chanel No. 5. Her and Lou's favorite perfume and Lou was wearing it. She couldn't form any coherent thought and she just watched as Lou opened the whiskey bottle she had. Why the fuck Lou brought a bottle of whiskey and a glass in the cemetery? The moments passed by like a symphony of photographs and the moment Lou offered Debbie a drink was the only time the brunette was brought back into reality.

"Fancy a whiskey?" Lou asked, handing Debbie a glass of whiskey.

Debbie shook her head as she raised her hand, showing Lou that she had a bottle of beer. The blonde simply nodded before she went back to look at wherever she wanted to but Debbie. The silence filled the air as Lou drank her whiskey and maybe, just maybe, silence was something they both actually needed. They had been so filled with the loud yelling of their hearts that perhaps, that silence was a remedy to what was once lost. Debbie, despite the awkward dead air, smiled to herself. At least Lou wasn't avoiding her, instead the blonde was with her - sitting beside her.

"It's eleven in the evening." Lou spoke after noticing that they had been sitting there in silence; it was a subtle question of what are you doing? It's late.

Debbie looked up at the starry skies, "Couldn't sleep." She slowly tilted her head as she looked at the blonde, still couldn't actually believe that Lou was an inch away from her, "I miss Danny."

"I miss our baby too."

"Where's Blaire?"

"Tammy's. I had an important errand today. Had to send her to Tammy."

Debbie nodded. She wanted to continue the casual conversation they were having, still she didn't want to be so pushy. She had a lot of things to say to Lou, but she didn't know where to start. A part of her believed Lou wouldn't want to hear it because what for? Lou had moved on. Lou wanted nothing from her anymore and despite the fact that Lou's name was still the song Debbie's heart was singing over and over again, Debbie had slowly accepted the fact that it's over. Whatever they had before, gone.

"Didn't know you're here." Lou broke the ice again.

"Didn't actually plan to come here."

The blonde laughed as she shook her head, "Heard it Dan? Your mom didn't actually plan to come here. That signifies that she doesn't really miss you."

"Hey! Shut it!" Debbie countered, laughing too, "That's not true, baby. I really missed you." The brunette added, staring at Danny's grave.

Lou laughed again as she gave the brunette a side eye, "I like your hair. Long and wavy. Classic Deborah Ocean."

"Thanks." The brunette cleared her throat as she looked at her parked car in front of them, "I just felt like I needed to come back."

"Wanna smoke?"

Debbie raised her brow, "You still smoke?"

"I just felt like I needed to come back." Lou replied followed by the saccharine sounds of her laughter which made the brunette shake her head.

The night was not young anymore. And how both of them were now sitting on the hood of Debbie's car was a blur to Debbie. Lou was silent as she smoked and Debbie was silent too as she secretly took glances from the blonde. There were smoke escaping from Lou's lips, dulling senses as both of them gazed over flickering citylights of the highway on the horizon; there were stars on the midnight sky, whispering secrets only they could hear. Between sticky and sweet bottles of beer and whiskey, and wrinkled package of cigarette, memories of their past blossomed into reflections of who they were and in those moments, sharing their deepest selves seemed as natural as the cold air that hid their intoxications in the dark.

"I just wanna apologize as to how I acted last week. No matter what, I was wrong. I was rude." Lou held the cigarette between her fingers as she turned to stare at Debbie, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." The brunette silently replied as she gave Lou a straight smile.

"And you're right. I shouldn't make it hard for you. For us. For Blaire. I am just sorry, you know. I don't want Blaire to get hurt because of what has happened to us. So now, I am telling you that you are free to see, be with Blaire. Just don't ever ---"

Debbie cut her off, "I won't do such thing. I won't ever hurt Blaire in any way, Lou." She spoke, with her voice flowing out all honesty she could muster, because really, Debbie loved Blaire like the kid was her own.

Lou, finally, after what seemed like forever, gave Debbie a genuine smile, "So..."

"So what?"

Lou shyly shook her head before she dropped her cigarette on the ground. The falling of the cigarette elicited a burning sound which silently amused Debbie; but what amused Debbie more was when Lou heaved a sigh with her fingers running through her blonde hair. Lou was so beautiful. And with them - with the proximity, just an inch away, Debbie was sure that if they were younger, she would have recklessly kissed her, right there and then.

"I want to forget everything that has happened. Want to start on a clean slate." Lou jested as she looked down, "No hard feelings. No, nothing. I want to start new with you as friends. For Blaire."

"Friends." It was a silent stab to Debbie, still she uttered it as if it was the sweetest thing in the whole wide world.

"Yeah."

"Okay." Debbie replied before jumping off the hood of her car and standing in front of Lou, "I am Deborah Ocean. You can call me Debbie." She stated before reaching out her hand.

A smirk tugged on the hem of Lou's lips, "Louise Miller. You can call me Lou."

Debbie smiled at her, "Friends?"

Lou looked at her deeply in her eyes before she smiled at her back, "Friends."

And the moment Lou took Debbie's hand to shake it, it was the moment that Debbie knew their story was gone.

***