Nobody Knows | Jeon Jungkook

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I hum to myself as I stand in front of the mirror, styling my hair properly for the day. I turn my head from side to side, making sure I look presentable for my first day of work at the new company. This is my chance to look my best and prove to the people there that I'm not the wrong choice.

I don't want to disappoint my professor or my family, but the most important person I don't want to disappoint is me. I'm doing this all for me first and foremost, and I want to be proud of myself. Achieve something in life that I didn't accomplish with the help of others.

I think I have prepared myself well for today. I spent the last few days of my time off doing lots of workouts, sightseeing, and drinking. A few blocks from my new apartment I found a cool bar by accident where I spent several nights, just enjoying myself.

Or maybe just drinking my noisy thoughts away.

How long has it been since I've seen the person whose name I don't want to mention? Two? Three? I don't fucking know.

But I care even less than my neighbor cares about taking his ordered food from the door. Honestly, I've had to answer the door for him so many times because the delivery people were mad at him.

I just don't care anymore.

It's time for me to focus on myself and do what I wanted to do. I don't want to mess up this golden opportunity by letting my mind wander all the time. I'm here for my internship and what happens after that is a mystery of the future that no one knows.

But why the hell is it so hard to stay focused? I'm sick of being constantly reminded by the smallest things that don't even make sense. I hate the fact that a person could sneak into my life so easily and I'm not able to get them out of my head anymore.

It feels like something has not been completed. Like I haven't completed my purpose and it's still waiting for me. It feels like I won't be able to function properly if I don't do something, but at the same time, I'm tired and done with the whole thing.

It's like an internal battle that triggers storms and makes the simplest daily things difficult. I've never had a phase in my life where I just wanted to turn my brain off and never turn it on again just to not be reminded of things from a few weeks ago.

The feeling of betrayal is still weighing heavily in my bones, but at least the anger has receded a bit. I'm no longer angry at her but at myself for being so stupid and gullible. I was just blind and if I had seen things a little earlier, everything would have been different.

If I had known she held such a person inside, then maybe I wouldn't have been so persistent. I would perhaps not have insisted on getting to know her better and thus all the feelings that I still can't suppress would not have arisen.

I sigh heavily as I realize where my thoughts have wandered off to again. It's been like this for the past few weeks, and I've always caught myself talking to myself in my head while I was doing other things, without really meaning to.

"Shut the fuck up, brain." I scold myself and smack my forehead a few times to remind myself that I promised myself to stop doing that.

At least on my first day, I should be clear-headed and keep a cool exterior. But I know I won't be able to do that if that one person is the one invading my thoughts. I've never been like this, this is not the me I know.

I was never so sensible that I really had thoughts like that. I was the cool guy that never cared about anything and lived my easy life. But now I constantly feel the need to think rationally. The more I think the weaker I feel because it makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel even lonelier than I did, even though I have friends and family. It makes me remember everything with her, even though I want to throw those memories off a cliff.