Goodbye Lullaby (COMPLETED)

Chapter 37

My back slid against the wall until I was already sitting in front of my parents' then bedroom that I've never opened eversince. My eyes are staring blankly at the door, and I couldn't cry.

Pulmonary heart disease.

One fucking heart attack... she's gone.

I couldn't process it. Nor how I feel, I couldn't name. The woman who brought me to this world, left me to live or to die alone, left for good.

My mother... she just died. And I felt... lost for feeling nothing. Hindi ko alam ang dapat kong maramdaman. Pati ang pagluha ay hindi ko magawa. Tears just won't come out and I felt so frustrated.

I wanted to mourn, yet I felt nothing.

She was never a mother to me.

Growing up, I've always thought that she only brought me to this world just so she could share her sufferings with me. Pinasan ko ang mga maling desisyon na hindi naman ako ang gumawa. She didn't wanna have me. She could've aborted me, but she chose to still give birth. Just so I could suffer, too.

And now she's gone. Her sufferings ended for good, too. But how come mine didn't stop?

"Alistine..."

Maybe that's why I can't feel anything. Maybe because I'm the one who got left behind again. Magiging mag-isa na lang sa pagdala ng paghihirap.

I couldn't even recall one good memory with her. All I remember was how she turned her back on me at the living room of this very house. I was four when she dragged her suitcase out. One last hateful glance and she was gone. And my dad... he didn't stop her because he'd also leave. Para bang sa kanilang dalawa, unfair na may isang maiiwan sa 'kin.

I begged because I didn't understand it then.

Until I unwillingly just accepted it.

For a really long time, my concept of leaving was based from how my parents walked away from me. Ni minsan ay hindi ko naisip na pwedeng umalis nang hindi na kailanman pwedeng bumalik. My mother is dead and she's never coming back.

"Alistine..."

One blink before I realized someone was already standing in front of the door I was staring at. I saw Eros and Valentine. Then my gaze transferred to Justin who's kneeling beside me. Doon ko lang din natatanto ang panonood sa akin ni Shadow mula sa kandungan ko at ang pagdantay ng ulo ni Bullet sa balikat ko. Gunther was at Eros' feet.

Fuck...

Even with seeing them here right now, I felt nothing.

Napapikit ako kasabay ng pagsandal ng ulo sa pader. "What are you doing here?"

"Queen, we heard the news."

"You're not supposed to be here," I cut him off. They were all dressed for a gig. Bakit sila nandito...

"No. This is where we're supposed to be," Valen answered.

Umiling ako. "Please, leave."

"Dionne..." lumuhod na rin siya sa harap ko. "Talk to us."

"I don't have a thing to say. Just please leave."

All I could see in Justin and Valen's face were sadness and sympathy. I don't need it. I'm fine. I just feel... tired. I want to be alone. Napapikit ako nang mariin nang matanto ang isa na namang problema. I just got past the unknown texter earlier about Eros, and now this. Fuck, I'm so tired...

I don't wanna end the night begging and explaining shit to someone who feels like they got my whole life in their hands and all I could do is to fucking obey everything they say. I'm fucking tired.