Goodbye Lullaby (COMPLETED)

Chapter 38

Time, please be kind
Time, please rewind
Time, I would buy
But it's time for goodbye
-
Pluto by Phum Viphurit

**

Knowing the reputation that the internet built for me, I could've been kidnapped or taken advantaged of when I passed the fuck out on that floor. Galit na galit ang mga tao sa akin kaya ayaw kong lumalabas mag-isa dahil baka maharass lang ako at makuhanan ng video. But it was too late for me to realize that when I went to that bar and got drunk anyway.

Surprisingly, I wasn't Satan's favorite after all because I woke up at my guestroom's bed, afternoon of the next day, untouched. I'm still wearing my black dress and the only thing that's hurting is my head. It's hurting so fucking bad!

Wala akong maalala bukod sa pakikipag-away sa bartender at sa pagsabi nitong kailangan ko nang umuwi. I remember falling to the ground and that's it. I guess I really did go home by myself.

And I'm good as new considering that I drove drunk as fuck!

I got a wave of fear once again. I was so wasted, what if I got into an accident? Do I wanna die grieving for someone who just died before me?

Gods.

I put both my arms on my face. I felt so stupid for being that brave. Going into a fucking bar alone, getting drunk and now I couldn't remember a thing, then driving home without a care if I'd get into an accident and die.

Why the fuck am I that brave? Why did I become indifferent with my life all of a sudden?

Do I need to be put in a dangerous situation for me to realize that it's not the way I'd find healing?

Why do I let myself be okay, then crumble the next second? It's exhausting.

Salo ang ulo ay pinilit kong bumangon upang makapag-ayos. I felt bad that I woke up so late because I'm not the only one living in this house. I have children...

Fuck.

I didn't bother showering first. Lumabas ako ng kwarto at hinanap agad yung tatlo. Nakakasanayan ko nang muli ang madilim at tahimik na bahay, ngunit tila may nag-iba. Usually I'd see the kids first thing in the morning, or if not, nag-iingay at naghahabulan na sila ngayon.

Mas lalo yatang sumakit ang ulo ko sa pagmamadaling makababa sa living room. My chest was pounding at the thought na baka nakawala sila kagabi at hinayaan ko lang. Ngunit nakalma ako nang may marinig na humihingal at mga paa na tila lumulundag.

Nasa huling step na ako nang makita ko si Bullet na nakahiga sa sahig, nakaangat ang ulo at sinusundan ako ng tingin. Napabuntong hininga ako. I gestured him to come over and he immediately did.

"Baby," I crouched and kissed the top of his head. Kumawag nang matindi ang buntot nito. "I'm sorry I woke up late. Mommy will prepare food now."

Sumunod siya sa akin nang pumunta ako sa ilalim ng hagdan kung nasan yung naririnig ko kanina. Shadow was attacking a stuffed toy. Lumulundag ito habang si Gunther naman ay nanonood lang sa tabi.

Napabuntong hininga akong muli nang makumpleto ang mga anak. I picked up the little one and kissed his head, then brought him back down so he can continue playing. Yumuko naman ako para mahalikan din sa ulo si Gunther.

They look energetic even when they haven't eaten anything yet. I still felt bad. Isa na naman kasi iyon sa dahilan para iquestion ang kakayahan ko bilang magulang. I love my children so much but I'm afraid I'm not taking good care of them. Malulusog naman ang mga 'to pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang maisip na may pagkukulang ako. Na baka mas okay kung si Eros ang mag-alaga... pero hindi ko naman kaya 'yon.