Who's Beneath The Dance Stage (Tarra Garra Series #1)

KAPITULO 20

I grew up looking up to my father. He was my role model. My exemplar. He was a man of his words. He always had this smile on his face that I can still remember very vividly up until now. Yung tipong lahat ng sasabihin niya, mamamangha ka. He used to tell me his experiences during his military training.

He was a soldier, a field army. He was destined since then in Legazpi, I don't really remember anymore how or when did he started working far from us. Kami naman ni Mama at Harper ay naiwan dito sa Masbate.

Harper then was very little, so she doesn't really long for him yet. Ako palang ang nag-aabang sa pag-uwi niya. Umuuwi lang kasi si Papa noon tuwing dalawang linggo. Minsan nga, isang beses isang buwan nalang kapag nagtitipid kasi masyadong mahal ang pamasahe ng fastcraft.

I remember waiting for him passionately every night in our small pocket garden. I used to stare at the stars, trying to fathom every each of them into constellations while I wait for my father's return. Tinatanong ko si Mama kung ilang tulog nalang bago umuwi si Papa, I was always highly excited whenever his arrival would get near. Palagi siyang may pasalubong na candied pili para kay Mama, calla lilies naman para sa akin at mga laruan ni Harper.

Isang gabi noon, before he goes back again to Legazpi for work, he encouraged me to dance so he could see. Palagi ko kasing sinasabi sakanya na mahilig akong sumayaw. Kaya noong gabing iyon, he asked me to dance so he could see me. Sabi ni Papa, mahilig din daw siyang sumayaw noon. He also studied in MNCHS and was a part of a dance troupe too.

May dala siyang maliit na cassette na may lamang mga paborito niyang sayaw noong gabing 'yon. We spent the whole night dancing. He was teaching me some moves while I giggled whenever he praised me.

He said I could be a dancer someday. It would be up to me, of course, I could make it a side hustle or whatever. He wished that if that day comes, he hoped that he's still there to watch me. To support what I would ever want.

Kinaumagahan, umalis siya pabalik ng Legazpi. He never returned since then.

If I had known, I should've cried the whole night, para mapilit siya na huwag munang umalis. Kahit na mapurnada ng isang araw lang. Kahit sa sunod na araw nalang siya bumyahe. Huwag lang noong araw na iyon.

Their ship was abducted. The media said it was the terrorists, some said it was pirates from the west. I don't know what to believe anymore. Their ship was sabotaged. His body was never found.

But I was very young. I didn't really understand what was happening. I saw my mother crying the whole day and I didn't know why. Hanggang sa ilang buwan na ang lumipas, tinatanong ko pa rin si Mama kung ilang tulog nalang ulit bago umuwi si Papa. It went on for years until I was old enough to understand.

I just... stopped waiting for him.

It felt like it was just recent. All of it feels new and fresh even now. The news about the abduction, how flowers piled up in the worst way, ang putok ng baril ng mga military noong seremonya ni Papa, my mother's reaction upon the bad news, it all still feels very recent.

It's been eleven years already, I never saw his face again, but it still feels so recent. That I still remember every detail of his face evocatively.

Time, mystical time, I never knew there would come a day where I could finally accept that he won't ever return. That I will never see that serene smile of him ever again.

My father was a man of his words. The only promise he broke was when he said he'll see me again. That I would be with him again and he would hold me close again, tulad noon. He was the most handsome man my eyes have ever landed on. I hope he knows that.

Kaya sobra akong nagalit nang malaman ang tungkol kay Mama at Sancho Tarraniaga. Their affair shocked me to the core. I wasn't ready yet to let go of my Father. I stayed right where he left me. Stuck in a delusion of protecting his memories. That's why it felt like it was cheating. That it's so unfair. Naramdaman ko ang siguradong mararamdaman ni Papa kapag malaman 'yon.