MIA: Blood Gulch Chronicles

[1] A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Donut stands on top of Red Base in pink armor.

Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

Grif and Simmons look at each other.

Grif: Uh... hey, Donut?

Donut: What?

Simmons: Um, about your armor...

Donut: What about it?

Simmons: How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?

Grif: It's pink. Your armor is frickin' pink!

Simmons: Yeah, that's it. Pink.

Donut: Pink? My armor's not pink!

Grif: PINK.

Simmons: Yeah, definitely pink.

Donut: You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?

Grif: Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

Simmons: (over Grif's laughter) Heh, that's not funny.

Grif: (laughs a little more) It's a little funny.

Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh.. a "lightish red".

Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.

Donut: I hate you guys.

Sarge: (running up the ramp with Lopez in tow) Well hello, dirtbags. ...and a fine hello to you, madam.

Donut: It's LIGHT red.

Sarge: Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?

Donut: Yes sir.

Sarge: Excellent.

Donut: (holding up a mechanical unit) They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.

Grif: Speech unit?

Donut: (handing the unit over to Sarge) Here you go.

Sarge: Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons.

Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

Grif: Wait a second.. Lopez is a robot?

Simmons: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?

Grif: I just thought he was a really quiet guy.

Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

Grif: Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.

Simmons: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

Sarge: How come?

Simmons: Because static could damage the card.

Sarge: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. (Grif and Simmons look at each other) And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! (he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jump back) YOW!

Simmons: Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.

Sarge: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.

Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red!

Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the Blue Base. Tucker's armor is clean, but Caboose's is still black.

Caboose: (panting) Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?

Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.

Wolfsen emerges from inside the base holding a switchblade in her left hand.

Wolfsen: That's why armor enhancements are better than a whole layer of charcoal. I'm not helping you by the way.

Caboose: (ignoring Wolfsen) Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.

Caboose: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

Wolfsen: (holding in her laughter.) Alright children. Pack it in...

Cut to Donut.

Donut: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

Grif: Right. That was a grenade.

Donut: And the last thing I remember.. is a loud bang.. and then Simmons fainting...

Grif: Ha! Told you so!

Simmons: I did not faint.

Sarge: Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!

Lopez: Buenos días. Y gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres. [Good morning. And thank you for activating my speech function. I am the model number zero one zero one one three four eight eight two three.]

Donut: (over the last five numbers) Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

Lopez: Me llamo López. [My name is Lopez]

Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

Sarge: Lopez, speak English.

Lopez: Mi procesador de inglés ha funcionado mal.Se habla solamente español. [My English processor has malfunctioned. I speak only Spanish.]

Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.

Sarge: Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.

Donut: Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.

Sarge: Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.

Lopez: Negative. [Negative]

Sarge: Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?

Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?

Lopez: (raising his gun) Sí señor. Gracias.

Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass.

Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?