MIA: Blood Gulch Chronicles

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Fade in on the computer readouts inside the ship

Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808- wait a minute. Where am I?

Caboose: Sheila! You're awake! I am so happy, look- we got you a new place to live. Now you are the big ship lady.

Sheila: I like it. It is so roomy. Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.

Caboose: And now... you can fly.

Sheila: Are you the pilot Caboose? Shall I run the tutorial program?

Caboose: Mmm, yeah. Uh, let's not do that right now.

Cut to the underground viewscreen the Reds are looking at

Sarge: Look they're invading our base! And we're not even there to defend it. Oh the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon. This is the moment we've all been training for!

Grif: Training? We haven't done any training. Wait, is sleep considered training?

Alroy: Correction, you haven't done any training. You know this, I know this, we all fucking know this.

Sarge: Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head. Simmons? Simmons!

Simmons: Uh huh, yeah, I agree. Everything you say is right, Red Team's great... hooray.

Sarge: Simmons, stop watching those T.V.s.

Donut: Yeah, Simmons, give it up. There's not gonna be any more pictures of naked girls on there.

Simmons: Shut up, you don't know that. Stop saying that. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Alroy: I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend, just leave him be... He'll realise it is pointless eventually.

Sarge: Men, this won't be easy. The Blues will be totally bunkered down. At both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage! But we're the Red Team.

A flag comes into view behind Sarge, and someone starts singing

Sarge: Sure, you might not be the best squad... might not be smart... or energetic, or have any skills that qualify you for duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit. However-

Donut: Where did that flag come from?

Grif: Flag, who gives a fuck about the flag? How about who's singing?

Alroy: What the fuck is even happening?

Sarge: But with precise operations, and proper communication, we will emerge victorious! With a little luck, one of us in particular will die a horrible death! Either at the hands of the Blues, or as part of a cunning distraction by yours truly.

The singing stops

Simmons: Why don't we just take over Blue Base?

Sarge: Nonsense! At Blue Base they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!

Simmons: Blue Base has no one in it.

Sarge: What?

Simmons: Look, see? They're all gone.

Alroy: (muttering) He doesn't even think to look at the camera system down here...

Sarge: Where'd they go?