MIA: Blood Gulch Chronicles

[5] In Memoriam

Fade in to the Reds for Sarge's service

Simmons: And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge.

Grif: Hey everybody, it's great to be here. Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge. I mean besides, "good riddence." Hoooo.

Grif's Sister: Yeah-

Grif: But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahahahaa, you know what I'm talking about.

Sarge: Come on, is this a rememberance or a roast?

Grif: Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talkin' about glazed donut holes, if you know what I mean. Hiyoooo.

Simmons: Too soon!

Grif: Hey now.

Alroy: I don't get it.

Sarge: This is the worst funeral I've ever had! You losers better step up the crying, pronto!

Alroy: I barely even know you. I have a good grasp on your personality but apart from that-

Simmons: (cutting off Alroy) Oh, don't worry sir, I've written a stirring speech that's sure to tug at everyone's heartstrings.

Sarge: Good to hear it, now get with the eulogizing!

Alroy: This is stupid. Oh so stupid.

Simmons runs up to the front.

Simmons: On it, sir.

Grif: And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons'-

Simmons: Okay that's enough, I said five minutes, Grif.

Grif: Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the Laugh Cavern every Tuesday.

Alroy: (interrupting Grif with a sigh) And now he is advertising his comedy routine.

Grif: (continuing) Ladies drink free.

Grif's Sister: Whoohoooo!

Grif: Not you!

Grif's Sister: Aw.

Alroy: (sarcastically) How unfortunate...

Simmons: Okay, whatever, get off. Hello everyone. I'm here to say a few words about our friend Sarge.

Grif: Boo, you suck.

Simmons: Grif, get off the stage!

Grif: Uh, sorry.

Grif retreats to the peanut gallery

Simmons: Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

Grif: Boooo, you suck!

Simmons: As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader, and he was a great inspiration to all his troops.

Sarge: Hh, Simmons was right, this is so emotional. Where's my hankie?

Simmons: He was a man of honour, discipline, and character.

Sarge: It's like he's saying what we're all thinking.

Alroy: No. He isn't.

Grif: If he was saying what I'm thinkin' he'd be yawning while he said it.