MIA: Blood Gulch Chronicles

[2] Dealer Incentive

Tucker, Wolfsen and Caboose have Donut surrounded inside the blue base.

Tucker: So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.

Wolfsen: (at the same time as Donut) He's not female...

Donut: (at the same time as Wolfsen) Female!? I'm not a girl.

Tucker: Tease.

Donut: I just have, light red armor.

Caboose: How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...

Donut: At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!

Tucker: Silence woman!

Wolfsen slaps Tucker.

Cut to Sarge addressing Simmons and Grif.

Sarge: Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?

Simmons: It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.

Grif: Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.

Sarge: Settle down, ladies. We need a new strategum, and we need it fast.

Simmons: Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.

Grif: Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?

Sarge: You're right about that, Simmons. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!

Church enters the blue base with Tucker waiting for him.

Church: How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?

Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?

Church: Do we have a crock pot?

Tucker: No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.

Church: What was in the mystery box?

Tucker: A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.

Wolfsen approaches them.

Wolfsen: So that's where the Mayonnaise came from!

Church: ...well that's a good trade...

Tucker: Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.

Wolfsen: Oh god, I did not need that image.

Church: How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds...

Tucker: ...

Church and Tucker: ...

Church: The plan does not involve mayonnaise.

Tucker: Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.

Wolfsen: Why the fuck do we even need that much mayonnaise anyways and why would someone buy that much mayonnaise and put it in a fucking mystery box I mean-

Camera zips around to another part of the blue base, where Caboose and Donut are.

Caboose: That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare.