MIA: Blood Gulch Chronicles

[5] Spelunked

Fade in to in the cavern

Sarge: Yeaow, what in the... stupid and . Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we run all those drills for? So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh. Not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple o' Marine Angels, get this place spic 'n' span in no time. You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even that new Bible they rewrote in twenty-forty, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute afterlife!? Underground cave!? What if this isn't Heaven! What if it's... noh, it couldn't be. Could it?

Donut: Oh hey Sarge. What're you doin' down here?

Sarge: It is! Oh, it is.

Cut to Church, Tucker and Caboose watching and from afar

Church: Oh man, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Tucker: Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team. You know what that means.

Caboose: Yeah. Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racket.

Church: Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

Tucker: Oh, why not.

Church: Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months, they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a twelve hundred dollar phone bill. That's fact.

Tucker: Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds.

Back to the cavern

Sarge: Nooooo. Moooan.

Donut: It's been crazy down here Sarge.

Sarge: Noooo.

Donut: You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found.

Sarge: Sorrowful sounds. Pleas for forgiveness.

Donut: Sarge, keep it down.

Sarge: I have sinned.

Donut: We don't want them to hear you.

Sarge: Donut. Don't interrupt my repentful moaning. If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.

Donut: This isn't Hell, Sarge! And you're not dead.

Sarge: Repent! Repent!

Donut: Come on Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I've found some really crazy stuff. Look!

Donut and Sarge peer at a Blue facility from a distance.

Sarge: Why that fort looks like a Blue Base. And just when I thought Hell couldn't get any worse.

Donut: Yeah, but look at that.

Donut points at a big .

Sarge: What in the hell is that thing?

Donut: I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like I found in the cave upstairs.

Sarge: Donut why didn't you report this?

Donut: I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell.

Queue radio sounds

Simmons: Come in Sarge, are you there?

Sarge: Hello, is that you Simmons?

Donut: No, I'm Dooonut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

Sarge: Shut up, Donut.

Donut: Uh, okay?

Simmons: Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay.

Sarge: Fine. What's your location?

Donut: I'm standing right here, next to you!

Sarge: Shut up!

Simmons: We're looking for you right now, this place is huge! Both Alroy and Grif are with me and we're up on top of some kind of peninsular outcropping.

Sarge: Euh, you're on top o' Grif's what?

Donut: Grif isn't anywhere around here.

Sarge: Donut, I told you to be quiet!

Donut: Well stop asking me stuff then.

Simmons: No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.

Sarge: Roger that, I've got Donut. You sit tight and we'll find you.

Simmons: Roger that. Simmons out.

Grif: Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?

Alroy: Pen-In-Sul-Ar, not penis ruler.

Sarge: I just talked to Simmons on the radio.

Donut: Ooohohoh, the radio.

Sarge: I told him to hold still, we'll come to them.

Donut: Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is. There's no landmarks or anything, just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Sarge: He said they were standing on some kind of a, penis nu-

Donut: Oh! I know where that is. Let's go.