Cue of secrets

Chapter 35

It's been three weeks and Elle's still in a coma. I hope that when she wakes up, she won't remember a thing. I don't want to see her crying or in pain.

"Mr. Lee, it's a good thing she's moving her hands. She can wake up any moment since she's already conscious. She's all good now so if she cries when she wakes up, it's okay."

"Thank you doc."

Later in the afternoon, I was supposed to get up to exchange with Jia and Jade so I can rest but Elle moved once again so I didn't.

"Mamaya na ako aalis. She might wake up." I told them.

"Sige lang." After Ace said those words, I saw Elle move her head.

A few seconds later, she finally opened her eyes.

"Elle!" I cried and hugged her. "Elle, baby, glad you're okay."

"A- Alistair, yu- yung baby natin?" She asked, shaking.

"Tawagin ko doctor." Paalam ni Ace.

"Elle, I'm sorry, she didn't make it. The doctor made me choose who would live between you and her, pero kasi kung si baby daw 'yung makaka-survive, there's a hundred percent she'll end up with a lifelong disability and ayoko namang pahirapan siya."

"Alistair, I'm a terrible Mom. Dapat si baby nalang 'yung nabuhay instead of me. She deserves to see the world. She needs to see you."

"What if she can't? That's what I exactly told the doctor, Elle. But this is what she answered. I don't want our child to be in pain, Elle."

"Alistair, when- when the boat sunk, I was really afraid. Natatakot ako na baka hindi na kita ulit makita, na baka hindi ko na mahawakan si baby. But I didn't know that I will still see you, yet, I would never have a chance to hold our baby."

"If I could only bring her back Elle, then I would. Even if it would cost my life then I would. But there's nothing we can do now. Were you scared?" I asked her to console her.

"Hearing the shouts of the people hoping to be saved, and thinking that when people would find me dead, it will only be my bones? All I dreamt of is to spend a lifetime with you and our daughter, Alistair."

"We'll be fine, Elle." I told her.

It's not easy for me losing a child and almost losing my wife but it's different from Elle. She had it way harsh.

"Do you want to drink water?" I asked her, unsure if she was allowed to. I want to see if she's afraid of water.

"No, thank you." She said before crying again.

"You're safe, Elle."

"How could I drink knowing that my baby drowned because of me?"

"No, Elle. You didn't do anything wrong, okay?"

"Raelle?" Mommy Tae Hee came inside the room together with Mama and Daddy.

"Mommy." She cried even more in my arms when she saw them.

"You'll be fine, Elle. Mommy is here. Don't worry."

I went out to buy us food and to talk to Elle's doctor. But before I could enter her room, I can hear her voice from outside the door since it's slightly opened. I decided to stay there and listen to them for a while.

"Aren't you afraid, Elle?" Mama asked her.

"I was, sobra po. Pero ayoko pong pahirapan si Alistair. I'm devastated cause I lost my daughter pero hindi lang naman po ako 'yung nawalan, pati si Alistair. I don't want to be a burden to him kasi alam ko pong he's also mourning."

"What happened in the ship?"

"Things happened very fast. I almost forgot all of the things that happened dahil sa sobrang bilis."

"I'd be scared if I was in the same situation. When you're in a coma, walang gabi na hindi umiyak si Alistair while holding your hand. Nawalan na kayo ng anak e, he doesn't want to lose you too."

"Mama, to be honest, I couldn't even drink or look at water. Thinking about it makes me feel sick."

"That's okay, Elle. Healing takes a long time to happen. It won't happen all at once. It takes weeks, months, even years and decades. Pero one thing is for sure; you'll heal eventually."

"Mama, please help Alistair too." She sighed. "Don't worry about me. I will be fine. Pero si Alistair, losing someone is something he still doesn't experience and I don't want him to ruin himself."

"Promise, Elle."

Tumuloy na ako pumasok and I saw Mama hugging Elle while her tears are falling. Nasasaktan si Mama para kay Elle. She lost the grandparents, she lost her father and now, she lost her daughter.

Paggabi, after doing a few tests, the doctor already allowed us to go home.

"Elle, why?" I asked her. The whole ride, she was just looking down.

"Wala." She smiled.

"If you need us, we'll be in the other room." Ace told us. They decided to sleep in our house today since they wanted to comfort Elle.

I woke up in the middle of the night and Elle wasn't beside me. I checked in the kitchen and every rooms downstairs but she wasn't there. There's one room left that I haven't checked yet; our baby's room.

"Elle?" I opened the door gently.

"Alistair, sorry." She said as she wipe her tears.

"Come here, Elle." I pulled her in my arms to hug her. "It's painful, my love. Sobra. Pero there's nothing we'd get through. Lahat kakayanin natin. Our baby wouldn't be happy if she sees her parents devastated, di'ba? You're not a burden to me, okay? We're in this together."

"I'm sorry for what I did, Alistair. Sorry talaga."

"It's not your fault. Wala may kasalanan, okay? Stop crying na, let me bring you water."

"A- ayoko, Alistair."

"Just try touching it, my love. You're very brave cause you were in that disaster alone yet you still thought of other people."

"Did you see Nanay Fe, Alistair? Do you know her? Lumapit ba siya sa'yo?"

"Oo. She talked to me while you're in a coma. The world admires you, Elle. You are very much loved. Okay?"

"Thank you for staying and waiting for me, Alistair. Thank you for loving me, for marrying me. Thank you for giving me the world."

"I'd give you the entire universe, Elle. That's how much I love you," I kissed her hand. "So don't blame yourself. Walang may kasalanan 'nun."

"A- Alistair, magagalit ka ba kapag sinabi kong kelangan ko ng oras, ng space? Gusto ko lang huminga, Alistair."

"We're married, Elle. You're not alone. If you feel like you're already suffocated then I'll lose my breath beside you."

"I just need a month or two, Alistair. No- hindi ako sigurado kung gaano katagal. A year, a decade, hindi ko alam."

"Ayan naman 'yung gusto mo, di 'ba?" I asked her.

"Sana." She nodded.

"Okay." I smiled. "You can go. I just can't assure you na may babalikan ka pa, Elle." I said and left.

I lost my child, and now, I'm losing my wife. Wala nang saysay so what? Pipilitin ko pa ba siya?