A Very 80's Infatuation - manxman

12. Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Song: Out of Sight, Out of Mind by Models

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It's been a good month or so now since I ran out on Jimmy and started to ignore him. I know it was stupid, and I know it was immature but I didn't know what to do. Now I've had time to think about things, I am still clueless, but something needs to happen. If not for the good of me, for the good of him because he doesn't deserve any of this.

Hey hey honey when I'm without you 

I get a chill up and down my spine 

He makes me feel good, I won't lie. I don't know what my feelings mean or whether they are true or accurate or what I want in the future - but I do know that he makes me feel good right now.

And I, I feel so hot and the pain won't stop 

Tearing at this heart of mine 

If I had ever been in love, I would say this is it and I can't understand why part of me wants to put us all through this pain and make us deny what we feel for one another. But at the same time, the other part of me can't understand why I like him and why I would ever want to be a gay man and give up on women. Do I even want that?

It's not like I can speak to anyone about all this - gay people just don't come out all that often and the chances of me meeting one is slim to none. Where else do you go? I can't speak to my parents,  let's be serious. They wouldn't understand or even want a gay son (or a confused son). I'd be a huge disappointment to them. No way am I doing that.

I can't speak to my best friend, even though I know she would be fine with me being confused about my sexuality. The reason is actually because it is her boyfriend that I am confused about and she is bound to ask questions. She will ask about who I like and what I have done and I won't be able to say anything without really upsetting her and losing her as a friend.

I'd get you when I want you then you're on your own

I dream about how I would get him back. It is never going to happen but the dream is there. Speaking of dreams, I keep getting the same one about the white picket fence and the child. Except it has become a lot clearer with every dream and I now see my mystery wife.

Or should I say mystery man. You guessed it, I see Jimmy in every dream. And when I am in this dreamworld, everything feels ok. I haven't got a worry and people don't care about us and I am happy for the first time in my life.

When I wake up from this, reality hits me again and I remember that I could never have that, and realise just what I have to do. Keep him away from me.

Out of mind out of sight 

Gotta keep my body tight 

Actually, keeping him away is an awful thing to do. I should be a better friend towards him - make an effort to put things aside and just be there. He didn't deserve to be ignored when he came shouting outside my front door, or when he tried to arrange another man-date via Jessie, or when he called me every night for a week and I just hung up on him.

I need to speak to him.

Looking a little bit closer now 

I've got something to say to you 

Except one thing - if I do try and be his friend, and we get ourselves into a confusing situation again where we are looking at one another or are touching or something - I don't know how I'll react or whether I'll selfishly act on it.

And if your body touches me, I just don't know what I might do

Why do things have to be so complicated? The best thing for it is if I just try and be his friend again. Allow us to get over one another without anything hanging in the air. I doubt he'd try anything with me again in case I run away so I shouldn't have to worry about that.

Not being his friend is killing me. I feel like part of me is missing. I must try and be his friend again like old times. It was working well before and if I have a little chat with him beforehand about just being friends, I know it could work.

Out of mind out of sight 

Gotta keep my body tight

I can't do it. I can't keep him away from me like this, and I can't keep him off of my mind no matter how hard I try. I don't want to be just friends - I have to say something.