A Very 80's Infatuation - manxman

21. Blue Monday

Song: Blue Monday by New Order

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How does it feel

To treat me like you do

When you've laid laid your hands upon me

And told me who you are

'...And I think you understand more than you would like to let on.' Was Ethan for real?

I thought I was mistaken

I thought I heard your words

'What?! Don't be silly. I'm over you.' I have to be.

'Please Jimmy, I need you to see how I feel. I was afraid of it at first, but accepting it has been my biggest and best decision. It could be yours to. I'm not asking for you to drop everything and be with me, I'm just asking you to look inside yourself and see what I see.' Is he going to say what I think he is going to say?

'I think that you are gay and that is ok.' Fuck, he said it.

'I do love you which is why I'm telling you all this and trying to get you to understand.' Oh he's telling me all this because he loves me, could have fooled me! I thought he just wanted to drag up old feelings that we had supposedly put behind us - how dare he go back on his word?

Tell me how do I feel

Tell me now how do I feel

'You don't know anything. How can you stand there and tell me how I feel? You don't know! And you promised you wouldn't say anything. I thought we decided to put it all behind us.'

'Be realistic, you can't just ask someone to repress themselves like that. I blindly agreed to you because I was desperate not to lose you, but looking back, that was the wrong thing to do. And admit it, I have changed since then. I am not that guy any more and I think that merits a second evaluation of our feelings.'

He had a point but I couldn't admit that to him just yet.

And I still find it so hard

To say what I need to say

'I can't believe you are doing this Ethan. I thought we were friends. Obviously not!'

But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me

Just how I should feel today

'We are, and that's why I am saying something now. We can't keep pretending Jimmy, my heart just won't cope.' I hadn't really thought about Ethan's feelings in all of this, I just assumed he was ok about it all.

And I thought I was mistaken

And I thought I heard you speak

I have been quite blind in seeing his thoughts and feelings for what they really are. I was so determined to hide myself, hide what had happened, that I had become quite selfish and inconsiderate.

Tell me how do I feel

Tell me now how should I feel

He was right, I still felt for him and I couldn't ignore the possibility that it could be because I was gay.

Now I stand here waiting

What am I supposed to do or say now? I have been so harsh to him, so misunderstanding. I had fucked this up royally.

I thought I told you to leave me

Why couldn't he have just left it alone and kept it to himself? Why couldn't he have just disappeared instead of unleashing all of this on me out of the blue. I thought we were ok, but evidently not.

Now what?

'I can't do this Ethan. I need you to leave.' Did I mean this? I was clueless.

'Fine. I've said all I need to say and clearly you aren't ready to be yourself. I think it's best if we didn't see each other any more.' He leaves with tears in his eyes and my heart breaks, but I still don't say anything.

Tell me how does it feel