A Very 80's Infatuation - manxman

6. Who Can It Be Now?

Song: Who Can It Be Now? by Men At Work

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I was settling myself in for the night, cuppa in hand, when I could hear it.

Who can it be knocking at my door?

I get up to answer and look through my peep-hole. It is Jimmy - I learnt his name at the little gathering earlier. The very awkward gathering. He seemed pretty confused but uninterested so he must be here because Jessie asked him. I don't know why but thinking this made me feel sad.

Go away, don't come 'round here no more

I open the door slowly and I practically sing these lyrics at him:

'Can't you see that it's late at night?

I'm very tired and I'm not feeling right'

'I'm sorry but can I come in?' He shifts awkwardly in the doorway and I don't know of any excuse to get rid of him, it would be impolite.

All I wish is to be alone

He walks inside and makes his way in to my hallway.

Stay away, don't you invade my home

I don't know if I am entirely comfortable with this situation. I try to keep it in the hallway.

Best off if you hang outside

I have no idea what I'd do if he entered my living space. My settee is pretty small and I can't handle myself that close to him - the hallway is already small enough. It is an apartment after all.

'We need to talk. About us.' He said just what I feared he would.

Don't come in, I'll only run and hide

This is what I feared. What will I say when I don't even know what I am feeling? This is all new and scary to me, and I feel like I'm only going to be able to brush off what he has to say and hide from my feelings.

Who can it be now?

He needs to tell me why he is here, before the suspense kills me.

Who can it be knocking at my door?

I can't figure myself out let alone him currently. I don't know what I want or even if I want him here. I am not ready to face my feelings and the possibility of ruining my life. People may react badly to this and even though homosexuality is kind of ok now, it's a whole other story telling people I know.

'I... er... how, em, I don't know you feel about this situation... ' how do I respond to that?

Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor

I make the decision to not respond yet, and let him continue. 'Because, I am... Well, I'm confused.' I stay silent still as his gaze bores into my eyes. 'I had no idea she was your friend. Otherwise I would never have...'

'I understand.' That's all I say - I need to hear more before I can divulge anything.

'So, what do we do? I can leave her. Avoid anything bad happening to her.'

'What do you mean, anything bad?' She was my best friend, I had to know.

'Well I liked you, and even though I'd never kissed or liked a guy before, it was certainly something and I couldn't be with her if there was even a slight possibility of anything happening between you and I. Not to be presumptuous, I mean you did run but I figured you were feeling the same as me, and if you did, then that means there's a chance something might happen because... well I still like you.' He blushed. 'Sorry for rambling. Say something please.'

'I..'

If he hears, he'll knock all day

I just couldn't tell him my confusion. Not only would this really hurt my best friend, I just wasn't ready to experiment on these feelings. If I tell him anything about what is going on in my head, he may see it that there is a slight possibility of something happening, and that idea scares me.

I'll be trapped and here I'll have to stay

'It was a mistake. Sorry. I was drunk and temporarily confused and I am not gay. Yes, I was confused all week but seeing you again, I know now that I have no feelings for you at all. You can stay with Jessie.'

I've done no harm, I keep to myself

The less he knows, the better. He can move on now with her and put this whole episode behind us.  If not for the sake of my confusion, for the love of my friend. She deserves to be with a nice, decent guy and that is what he seems like.

Actually, he is pretty amazing. His voice is smooth and always sounds interested in what you have to say. He has manners and a good sense of humour, plus he is easy on the eyes.

Here they come, those feelings again

What am I saying? I know I don't like him like that, I think, but I sound like I do. I don't mean all this. Now we have spoken, I can work on sorting myself out and moving on.

'If that's what you want...' I see something in his eyes but I can't place it - sadness maybe but that could be wishful thinking. 'I guess I should go then.'

'No hard feelings. I'll see you around.' I try to sound as light and breezy as I can, hoping I convince him enough.

'Bye.' He slowly walks to the door and lets himself out.

I sit in front of the television and just stare at it for a while, not really watching anything.

At some point, I fall asleep and begin to dream of strange times. I am older now, and have a wonderful house with a white picket fence, and there is a child in the garden playing with a dog. It seems a lot like a future I could have. I am curious throughout this dream to see where it leads, hoping to get a glimpse of my wife and see how that makes me feel.

Who can it be now?

Maybe seeing a woman in my dream who I am supposed to love will help me to clear my head and give me something to strive for. I can see what type of woman is really for me, or at least what my subconscious wants.

As the dream goes on, I constantly feel like I'm at the cusp of meeting her, but never do. Clearly my own subconscious doesn't know what it wants yet.

It's not the future that I can see

It's just my fantasy

Eventually, I wake up feelings even more confused and completely unsatisfied. You know what? If my dreams won't tell me what I want, then I am just going to go out there and take what I think I need. A woman.

Tomorrow night, I will go and and make it my mission to find a woman, even if I don't like her that much. It is worth a try, and trying is something I don't often do with woman.

Oh, who can it be now?