Outcast

14 - Losing

Harry POV

I can feel it. I try to keep a smile on my face at all times but it's hard. It's hard knowing that my body is fighting the only thing that's going to keep me alive.

The scary part is I think my body's winning.

"Haz?"

I slowly turn my head and smile tiredly at Zayn. It's been a few days since my first vomit fest and since then I've pretty much thrown up non-stop. The boys haven't left me though, no matter how disgusting it is.

"Yeah?" I mumbled, letting my eyes slip shut.

"I need to talk to you about something."

That sparked my interest and I fought to open my eyes again. I was just so weak. But I opened them nonetheless and stared at Zayn, watching as he fidgeted with his bandanna.

Liam and Niall had taken Louis back to his place so they could get some things for him. He hadn't wanted to go but I forced him to. I didn't want him to go without things because of me, especially things like clothes.

"What is it?"

Zayn coughed uncomfortably and I raised an eyebrow, trying to look strong but probably coming off as completely pathetic.

"Well . . . uh . . . Jessie told me yesterday that my um . . . cancer might . . . have grown somewhere else . . ."

His voice trailed off and left us in a tense silence. My mind was trying to comprehend what that sentence meant. But no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't understand.

"What do you mean?"

He gently loosened the bandanna from around his wrist and began tossing it between his hands. "It means that all the prayers I sent to god were for nothing. Chemotherapy for me buddy."

My eyes widened and I gasped, "No!"

He laughed weakly and fingered his hair, "But the good news is Jessie said that once it's done the cancer should never return. Whereas my hair will . . . so really I'm kind of winning."

He smiled softly and let the bandanna fall from between his fingers. It landed on the ground with a soft thud and I eyed it cautiously.

That's when it happened. Zayn leant over in his chair and buried his face in his hands, his whole body shaking.

I knew he was crying, even though he made no sound. I could just tell. I wanted to lean over, pat him on the shoulder and tell him it was alright.

But I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't lie to myself. Somewhere deep in my mind I knew it wasn't going to be okay. Because things like this don't happen to good people. Someone out there must have decided that we didn't deserve the chance to have a full life. But I would gladly take the blame so Liam and Zayn could continue living. I would do anything for them to live.

"Zayn . . ." I began, trying to find the words. Nothing came to me though. What do you say to someone when they just found out their cancer got worse. What do you say to someone when you know that they might not survive.

He looked up and wiped his eyes, "Sorry man, this musn't be helping you at all."

I scoffed, "Don't bloody worry about me! Come here." I opened my arms and watched as he hesitated.

I know exactly why he hesitated too. He didn't want to appear weak. He had always been this tough person who tried to help others, but whenever something bad happened to him he'd cover it up and act as if it was nothing. He didn't want other people to worry about him or try and help him. That's just the way Zayn was. But this time it was different.