The Not So Perfect Love Story

9|| Another piece of truth from him

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself, then nobody will ever be happy with me. And that makes me even more paranoid.

It's a cycle, insecurity, unconfidence, and diffidence, it's all a cycle and it's destroying me.

-Anonymous

9|| Another piece of truth from him

"Can we please talk?" James asked me.

"Is it okay for Bash to stay or does he need to leave?" I ask him back.

"You agreed?" He asks shocked to which I nod. "Either way is fine. Although it would be better if he wasn't here."

"Why? So you could hurt her again? I think not." Bash said from where he now stood near the dishwater loading it with the plates the two of them had used.

"It's alright Bash. I'll call you if something does happen that makes me uncomfortable. But for the most part I'll be fine." I say to him and he agrees reluctantly.

Once he is finished loading the dishwasher, he leaves. I lead James to the couches in the living room with a bottle of whiskey and two tumblers. We take a seat on the couch and I pour the whiskey into the tumblers, waiting for him to gather the courage and start talking.

"Bash– he told me that he spoke to your yesterday. That he told you everything and I think I should clear it out myself." He began.

"Okay, I'll listen to you." I said to him which seemed to calm him to an extent. He threw back his whiskey and that seemed to calm him further.

"I was diagnosed with mild anxiety disorder. It was not severe enough to affect my decision making for the company or other important life changing decisions. But only till I was not overwhelmed by something. When I get overwhelmed, my anxiety gets the better of me and I tend to make the worst decisions. It is normal human behavior to make wrong decisions under overwhelming conditions, it's just it takes a toll on my body too.

I have panic attacks when put in a situation where I have to make serious decisions and I over think all the options available. It was so bad that I almost convinced my father to not retire now and wait till Julian graduates and takes over as CEO.

Other than that I also went through therapy because I was insecure. It is not exactly a proper well defined psychological condition. But it is very intricately related to anxiety disorder. My anxiety convinces me that after a certain time period people will start hating me. That no one is capable of loving me for a lifetime and that I do not deserve the love."

He took a deep breath and then downed his 4th tumbler of whiskey. I had kept my mind and heart open to listen to him. Not only does he deserve the respect for being able to open up to me now, it is also because I had loved him; a part of me still loves him.

"I am not saying that me breaking up with you without hearing what you had to say about the accusations I was throwing at you was right or justified in any way. It was wrong of me to do that and I am so very sorry about it, Char. I am so disgusted in me but it has already happened and we can't undo the past no matter how much we try to. I am just telling you things with a bit more clarity so you would know this from me and not just Bash."

"Why did you choose to not tell me James?" I asked him.

"Because then you'd have apologized for not seeing it before and blame yourself. And I wouldn't have gotten the chance to truly feel the guilt and regret and then go through the process of forgiving myself. Without you by my side I had to pick up myself for the first time and that helped me a lot Char. I asked everyone to not tell you because just like me, you had to pick yourself up alone, without me by your side to distract you."

"Alright."

"Alright? Is that all I'm getting?"

"I am hurt that I was the last to know all of this, but I respect your decision of not telling me. In fact, thank you for giving me the time to heal alone by myself." I say to him and he smiled at me.

"And, I forgive you James, for hurting me like that, for not trusting and for not telling me any of this. I forgive you because I can no longer hold the burden of all that pain, and because we were once friends. I would like for us to be able to build a friendship again because you were the best friend I grew up with and I still need him in my life."

James was so happy to hear me say that that his eyes filled up. I stood up and opened my arms for him and he quickly wrapped his around me. This had been the closest to home I had felt back when we were still in college. It was then that I realized that I actually did forgive him completely. I had done so the moment I saw him in the club that night when he had just come back.

I did not forgive him because he had suffered through issues. I forgave because I actually was tired of holding onto all of that hurt and pain. But mostly I forgave him because when I saw him that night I could sense a difference in the air around him, it seemed to have been more relaxed and I got the feeling that he was in a more peaceful and happier state.

And that was what had bothered me the most, whether he was happy in a life without his family, Bash, Mark and me; the people he has known all his life. 

I forgave him because he did not leave me behind to live a sad life and that made me happy.

*************

So, another chapter is here.

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