The Not So Perfect Love Story

15|| Trust you to love me

You may trust someone with your life and still not be able to trust them with your heart.

And that's just another of those ways of the heart to save and heal itself.

15|| Trust you to love me

James' POV....

"Because James, sometimes, love isn't enough." She said. But how can it not be enough when I love her so much.

"Is it, is it about me leaving you over false information? I swear I wouldn't ever do it again, Char. You also said you forgave me, I know I need to do more to make it up to you, but you said you forgive me." I stuttered out hoping to remind her that she accepted me.

"I did James. I forgive you for it all. I've held onto that grudge for long and it's time I let go of it. But, this isn't about that, we just, we just won't work out." She said and I don't know what she means by that.

"Why would we not? At least, give me a reason." I almost begged.

"The way you did when you yelled at me to get out of your life?" She snapped and I looked down. I was ashamed to have done that, but right now I was feeling more helplessness that I can't change what's already happened.

"I'm, I'm sorry ok. I just got a little overwhelmed." She looked away taking a few calming breaths. She then moves to sit at the rock by the huge tree that once had a tire swing, and patted the space next to her.

"I refuse to go back to you because our love isn't enough. I will say out loud that I never once stopped loving you in these past four years, but honestly? How do you stop loving someone if you really loved them? You can't. You just love yourself more and let them go; store the love you have for them in a small compartment somewhere and hide it from yourself. Till you find someone who helps you find and accept that love and then teaches you that moving on from them and finding love again is ok." She said.

"Do you love someone else then?" I asked her although I couldn't bear to think of her with someone else.

"Not yet." She said.

"Then, what's stopping you?" I asked again.

"I will never be able to trust you." She said and that hurt. Did she really think I would cheat on her; that I'd ever find a woman I would think to be worth more than her?

"You think I'd cheat on you?" I asked trying to keep the hurt from showing in my voice, but I think she heard it anyway.

"No, no. That's not the thing. I know you wouldn't cheat on me, because that's the kind of person you are, except this one incident from two nights ago. And, I know I shouldn't be trying to justify what happened, but it was probably because in your mind the current relationship is only a business deal for you. And added to it the fact that old flames and drinks were involved, I understand this. So, I know you're loyal James."

She then paused and fidgeted a bit. Her eyes roaming around the expanse of her backyard trying to find something to calm her, something to stall the inevitable

"I won't be able to trust you to love me. When you say you love me, I wouldn't be able to completely believe it." She said.

Again, there was a pause. But this time it was because she was giving me time to process it and my mind was reeling. Trust me to love her.

"Accepting compliments, affection, even basic attention is difficult for me, you know that." She said after a while of waiting for me to say something. 

"It always feels like people would only come to me when they need something from me, not me as a whole. Like a hidden agenda, but it doesn't have to be something negative; it could very well be something like not wanting to hurt me, or pitying me.

I think you'd remember how I despised the change in our relationship when we went from best friends to lovers. 

How, even though I was ecstatic that you loved me too, I was also always doubting whether it was out of the friendly love you had for me that you accepted to date me. 

I pushed you away so many times before we were able to settle into the comfort of the love we shared.

And now, I will do it all again. 

But only ten, no a hundred, times worse. 

We probably won't ever get to the point where we find comfort. And it will grow into suspicion for everything you do, and then slowly the same thing that happened four years ago will happen again. 

But this time it will be me that walks away with no love in my heart for you."

Her voice cracked at the end, heavy with her emotions and the strong belief she has that she knows how this will end. I want to explain to her how we've changed and grown, that picking at my faults will not get us anywhere.

To tell her that she's refusing what would be the greatest love to have been shared between two people.

"This wasn't picking your faults or something, it was me trying to explain that things have changed between us these past few years and trying to go back to that is foolishness. I don't want the messiness of a what-could've-been-great kind of a relationship. Our constant doubts, guilt, anxiety, distrust, pain, they're not worth the efforts James.

It will be suffocating for me and the relationship itself will be far from healthy, and I can't have that overshadow the beautiful moments that we have spent together."

And with that, my heart got broken all over again.

***********

Another chapter with long dialogues, although in we got to see how much this is affecting him.