The Not So Perfect Love Story

7|| Tears and Guilt

Guilt is the worst demon to bear, strangling you from the inside of your body.

Apologize. Make amends. Let go. Breathe fire.

-Nikita Gill

7|| Tears and Guilt

"Why did no one ever tell me all that?" I asked Bash when everything he told me sunk in.

"Because one, it wasn't our story to tell. And two, what he did to you still wasn't right, and it affected you so much, sweetheart. It was hard watching you break apart like that. We knew you needed the time to accept that you guys were over, and get ready to face the world again. We knew you needed to at least try to let go of him and move on from it all." Bash replied softly.

That was the moment I broke down. I cried the tears that refused to fall after those initial two weeks of crying. I cried the tears that burned my eyes every morning and every night, but never once escaped out. 

I cried the tears that had taken up a permanent residence behind my eyelids the moment James came back into my life.

Bash wrapped his arms around me and held me close as the tears fell and my body shook. He gently rocked our bodies back and forth as his hand rubbed my back in a comforting manner. He understood the amount of information I had just gotten was too much and that I needed to let it all out if I wanted to wake up sane enough to actually let myself wrap my head around the facts enough to make decisions on how to proceed further.

My mind and heart both raced as I felt a surge of guilt rush through me. 

While I was here going to the college and finishing my degree; and working my way up in the office and taking over as CEO. 

While I was indulging in one stands here and there to quench my needs; and letting myself flirt with the hope of finding someone worth my heart. 

James was suffering alone. He was going through therapy so he could get better and maybe talk about all that went wrong between us.

It was I who did not deserve James. Oh how the tables turn; life sure has a way of making you the villain of your own story. How much of a failure must I have been for not noticing my boyfriend's, the person I claimed to have loved, going through so much distress? 

How shitty a girlfriend should I have been for being in my own world meeting new people and leaving behind James when he needed me the most.

Almost as if Bash could hear the thoughts in my mind, he tightened his arms around and hugged me closer to him. Then he picked me up and took me to my bedroom and laid me down on my bed pulling the comforter over me.

"Sleep sweetheart. It will help calm you down and you can continue thinking tomorrow." He whispered softly to me.

"Stay till I fall asleep, please." I muttered when he turned to leave. He nodded and took a seat on the bed by my side and held my hand stroking my hair with his other hand. Slowly I slipped into a dreamless sleep as tears still fell from my eyes.

The next morning I woke up the bright light shining on my face. I looked around and saw it was 20 minutes to noon. I hadn't slept in so late in years now and it felt really weird. Slowly getting off the bed I made my way to the bathroom to freshen up, my mind bringing up everything from yesterday to the forefront.

About 15 minutes later I made my way downstairs and heard voices from the general direction of the kitchen. I turned towards it when I made it to the floor and recognized the voices as those of Bash and Finn. Bash was telling him how yesterday had gone and why I needed a day off.

"Morning sweetheart, hope you had nice sleep." Bash said the moment he noticed me walking around the counter to hug me. I nodded my head against his shoulder taking a seat at the bar stools around the counter after he let go.

Finn hugged me once I'd settled and then took a seat on a bar stool next to me. He didn't say anything just sat observing me and I could practically hear the gears in his head turning.

"Lottie" He called after a few minutes. "Remember when we had that conversation where I apologized for being the reason of your splitting up?" I wordlessly nodded, "Yeah, well you told me that it was not my fault he didn't trust you. Similarly it isn't your fault that you didn't know. He hid it from you for a reason; do not take away his choice with your feelings of guilt. It wasn't your fault so try to accept that and let go."

"But everyone else knew Finn. Was I not worthy of sharing his troubles with me? Was it all just a lie?" I asked him, my voice breaking at the end. It was no surprise he could read me so well. He was one of my closest friend and my secretary for a reason.

"I'm going to have to stop you right here sweetheart." Bash said placing a mug of coffee in front of as he sat down on the other side of me.

"We were contacted by his therapist a while after he left us here. He had been refusing to involve his family and friends but the therapist had gotten through to him enough that was he ready to accept our support. It was our collective decision to not bring it up with you then because you needed to focus on yourself. You needed to heal. We took away your choice in the matter and for that we are terribly sorry, but we do not regret it."

The last bit rang in my ears.

He doesn't regret not telling me.

And for some reason I have noticed all my life that Bash always tried to avoid things he'd regret. He'd always suggest doing everything we wished to do, but after we've given it thought so we don't regret going through with it.

A voice whispered in my mind that he must have thought about it enough if he can say he doesn't regret it. And that strangely made me happy.

************

So now we know the whole backstory.

Or do we? ~_~

The song above shows the kind of friendship that Sebastian and Charlotte share. They are close enough for her to let her guard down and cry . And he cares about her enough to be the support pillar for her when she needs it. 

He is her person, and I hope everyone of you finds your person in that manner. In a friend, or a partner or someone with no label. Because everybody needs someone.

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