YOU - young royals sequel

three (3)

when sara and i were younger, mom always told us to hope for the best, but expect the worst. i never fully understood this until now. you can be outed to the entire world and hope for everyone to come to you with support and open arms, but you should expect to be beaten up and called slurs.

and that's why i could never blame wilhelm for not being ready. i could never blame anybody for not being ready. even if i got the choice to be out to the world, i would say that i'm not ready. because the real world is a cruel place, crueler than i ever thought before. because if you don't have money, you're not good enough. if you don't look or act like everyone else, you're not good enough. and if you don't match the hetero-normative society, you are not. good. enough.

that's how i felt when i woke up this morning. that's how i felt when i got out of bed and saw the printed sheet of paper that was slipped under my door. that's how i felt when i read the disgusting words they called me. that's how i felt when i realized that maybe coming back here wasn't a good idea.

it was just a piece of paper that was slipped under my door. i never thought words could hurt so bad. ever since i started coming out to my family and friends, i was met with love. i was met with compassion. i was given affection. this, i think, was the exact opposite of affection.

i stopped pacing the room and walked to sit on my bed. i wiped my wet eyes with my hands. i was not going to cry over this. i was going to be strong. i can handle it, i know it. i just had to find out who did it.

i checked the small clock next to my bed. 6:55. that means breakfast. that means people. that means him. and like that, my previous worries vanished. he seems to have that effect on me, ever since the day i met him. even if i really didn't want it.

or did i? did i want this? i still don't know. i've had just short of two weeks to decide, or really determine, and i'm still just as lost as before. seeing him in person yesterday definitely didn't make it easier. every time i see his face i'm reminded of what we had, what i miss more than anything. but every time i see his face i'm also reminded of why i did it, why i said the things that broke both of us. why i said goodbye to the first boy to ever love me.

and now i have to spend almost five months in his presence. five months knowing that if i want it, it's there for me. time to forgive him, or at least try to. but forgive him for what? for loving me? for not being ready? he didn't have to be sorry for those things. but i still needed to recover from them.

i am allowed to have feelings, and to act on them. but lately, i've been avoiding them. because no matter how i feel, someone ends up heart broken. breaking him again is almost worse than breaking me. so every time i find myself thinking too hard on it, i push it away and find something to distract myself. this time it had to be breakfast. i pulled on clean clothes and walked out of my room.

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on my way down to the hall, i was greeted by so many people. so many people i didn't even think knew my name. of course, everybody knows my name now. or they at least know i was the guy who had sex with the prince. is that what they think of me as? is that what i'm reduced to? is that why they care?

i shook the thoughts from my head. i can not be thinking like that. i can't let them get to me. if i've learned anything from going to school here, it's that people don't like raw emotion. they don't like vulnerability. and now that i'm a resident, i need to be conditioned to that.

in one corridor, i saw sara. she told me good morning, and we talked about how our first day was. she, like always, didn't push, which i was very grateful for. but there was still something in her eyes that signified empathy and told me she knew some of how i was feeling. i was glad i didn't have to say it out loud. nevertheless, she said she had a good day, a really good day. it warmed my heart to see her so happy.

breakfast is usually served from 7:00 to 7:30. right now, it was 7:15, which meant that there was probably still time for awkward conversation with whoever i sat by. i grabbed a plate and walked over to the serving table. there wasn't a lot left, but i really didn't feel like i could eat. the letter i got earlier made me nauseous. i took my food and scanned the table for an open seat.

it was almost laughable. how cliche. the only seats left were the one next to him, or the one in front of him. i immediately decided that next to him was worse. if i sat in front of him, i didn't risk accidentally brushing shoulders, briefly touching hands. i quickly walked over to the seat feeling like i had been standing there far too long. if i kept my head down i would be fine.

i moved into the chair more clumsily than i had hoped. nobody seemed to notice. well, nobody except the prince, who always seemed to notice. as soon as i was sitting i was eating, hoping to remove myself from this situation as soon as possible. but as soon as the food touched my tongue i wanted to puke. i would have to do it in small bites if i wanted to eat at all. i was a few bites in when i heard him. 

"hi," he said, in the way that i knew too well.

i looked up right away out of habit. i met his eyes. his eyes that were so wet they were almost overflowing. that was when i realized.

he got the letter.

he got the same letter i got this morning. the letter i spent almost eight years anticipating. the letter that tore me up. the letter that was his biggest fear. i looked down at his plate of food. untouched. i met his eyes again.

"hey," i replied, as calmly as i could manage.

he smiled through the tears. i came to the conclusion that now was not the time to avoid him. now was not the time to ignore him because, no matter how much i hate to admit it, he needed me. he needed my help with this. he couldn't do it by himself. i knew what the answer was, but i had to ask anyway.

"you- you got the-" i started.

he breathed deeply and nodded his head. he kept his eyes closed and took full, controlled breaths. i know he has bad anxiety. i know this is too much for him to take right now. i did something that i would've done anything to avoid five minutes ago.

i reached my hand under the table and held it out. i found his fingertips and touched them to let him know i was there. his brown eyes shot open and stared at me. they darted under the table and then back up to my face. it felt like he was trying to read my expression. i nodded and closed my eyes. i could feel as the tips of his fingers traced the palm of my hand. when he reached the tips of my fingers he slid his hand into mine and held it. i held his back.

we sat there taking in each other's touch. i was glad nobody else was paying good enough attention to realize what was happening. i missed his touch. i missed the way his hand fit into mine and the comfort it provided. that was all i needed to think about right now.

then the bell rang and it became too much for me.

i cleared my throat and unlatched his hand, and then immediately stood up. i felt bad leaving him there, but i was listening to myself for once. i cleaned my plate off, picked up my bag, and then walked to my first class of the semester. 

three chapters down! i'm so happy you guys are as pleased with this story as i am!! please remember to vote and leave feedback!! ❤️🖤