things i'll never say out loud

welcome to the real world.

I've always viewed being 18 with rose-colored lenses. It was a number that held so much significance. It was the entrance ticket to adulthood. It marked for more responsibilities and all the bigger and greater things life has in store for me. All the films, Tumblr posts, Pinterest pictures, and YA contemporary novels that highly romanticized teenage years are to blame for my way of thinking. Looking back at my 18th year, all of my expectations crumbled before my eyes. All those parties I once looked forward to became a party for one in my bedroom. All those hanging out with friends and having the best time became faces on the screen. All the "infinite moments" I hoped for became mundane days I pray to get by. My wish to love and be loved back ended up with the shattered pieces of my heart I'm still trying to piece back together. The expectations of living my best life at 18 turned into a year of fight or flight, praying to the heavens that I may reach my next birthday alive. Now at 19, I realized how destructive those rose-colored glasses were. I realized how toxic those highly romanticized teenage years the media portrays because the truth is, not everyone has that privilege to have those kinds of experiences. So, give me a story of a teenager who hasn't had their first kiss and relationship and will not get it by the end of the movie. Give me stories of introverted teenagers who don't have to change and morph into a social butterfly, or into a different person just to fit in. Give me a media that will let teenagers be cast as the teenagers on the next big hit. Give me stories of teenagers who struggle with life and mental health without romanticizing or sugarcoating it. Give me more diverse teenage stories that are true and real. And if you are a teenager like me, let me reassure you that it is okay, my love. It is okay if you haven't had your first kiss or a romantic relationship yet.   It is okay if you haven't driven with your friends late at night and scream everything into the wind. It is okay you are still figuring things out. It is okay if you are still unsure of your future and what you want to do. It is okay if you are not yet ready to try new things. It is okay if you don't party or drink. It is also okay if you party and drink.  It is okay that you spend time with your books and journals rather than socializing with others. It is okay if your teenage years were years of survival than living it up. I cannot stress it enough that it is completely okay that you don't live up to those expectations of teenage life because your teenage life is YOURS. You live it the way you want to. You live it the way you can.  Remember that we all have our own time and pace to experience life and you do not have to conform to those standards and timelines. Make it uniquely your own. You are doing just fine.

- g.b.