things i'll never say out loud

eulogy.

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

"Will you...

will you ever...

will you write me a eulogy?"

you asked me

I shook my head, no

wondering why would you ask me that?

out of nowhere

on a December morning

I shook my head, no

"No, I won't write you a eulogy."

No, I won't write you a eulogy

because I don't know what to write

or what to put in it

why would you bombard me with this question

We still have a class to attend to

c'mon.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

because I don't want to write something

I need to constantly edit to make you look good

I rather want to talk on the spot

Talk to you, right now

In front of me

And tell you my praises in person

In your face

See you blush than to see pale cheeks

As I spit these words.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

because I know, I believe that you still have so many great achievements to have

before you can take death's hand.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

But I don't know I... uh... it depends

It depends if we are already there

but goddammit you cannot race me

Run, rushing, before me to the finish line.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

because I won't let your elegies eulogize you,

I won't let your drafts stay as drafts

and accumulate dust in the corner of your room.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

because writing one means

letting your dreams burn

crumble into ashes

and I will be left wondering

how my favorite book would look like

sound like, what would be its plot

who would be my favorite characters

how would it make me feel

but the thing is that I will never know

because you never had the chance to even step in the meeting room

and get yourself published.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

because writing one means that

you never had the chance to put your name

in the #1 of new york times best-selling list.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

because you still have so many stories to write,

so many stories to tell.

No, I won't write you a eulogy

But ok fine, if that's what you want

I will swallow my anger

My frustration with you not reaching out

the sadness wobbling in me

And grant what you want

but if I had it my way,

No, I won't write you a eulogy

Because I can't.

I won't write you a eulogy

Instead, I will urge you to write

your next poem

your dream novel

your feelings

I will urge you to spit

in blots of ink

I won't write you a eulogy

instead, I will list your favorite things

and remind you how these ordinary objects

made meaning because of you

I won't write you a eulogy

Instead, I will help you find new coping mechanisms

when the old ones lose their magic

to calm you down

I won't write you a eulogy

Instead, I will be with you

holding your hand

or maybe on the phone

distracting you from the fear

of meeting a new shrink

I won't write you a eulogy

instead, I will show you the beautiful pink skies fading into a dark blue hue

I will be by your side as we take our time

Discovering the pockets of wonder this world has to offer

I won't write you a eulogy

instead, I will play the music that will make our bodies grove, shouting the lyrics on top of our lungs

we'll eat the isaws and the calamares that will probably make your lips itch

we'll drink the bottles of jelly drinks in an assortment of flavors you always love because

you say Alcohol is not the one for you

I... I...

you asked me, on a cold December morning

"will you write me a eulogy?"

I'll take my time to reply and tell you every reason why I won't.

- g.b.