things i'll never say out loud

magic shop.

Shortness of breath

Shaky hands

Sweaty palms

I wonder what is it like to not feel like this?

Pounding heart, so loud but not louder than the voices in my head

Racing mind, running like a 24 mile marathon, running faster than the wind

I wonder what it is like not to feel like this?

Thoughts spiraling, growing infinitely small as it goes down deeper

Spiral, making me claustrophobic

Harder to breathe, the familiar choking sounds

Warm tears starting to gather in my eyes, fighting their way out to fall down my cheeks

The voices, I mean, her voice, I mean, the thoughts, I don't know, but they are getting louder now, shouting so I will not hear the calm voices reminding me to breathe

Shouting, pushing away every single positivity in me

And at this point, I wonder what is it like not to feel like this?

I wonder how people function without a mind like this

I wonder how they can do talk, say something, hold up a conversation without over thinking if they said the right thing

I wonder how they live life without the constant worries keeping them up at night

I wonder how they can open up to someone and not feel like a burden

I wonder how they can smile, laugh, and be happy without

Thinking or even trying to fake it

I wonder how they lead normal lives, feeling fulfilled, feeling okay, doing normal everyday stuff

Without their minds pulling them down, without the spiral of thoughts that hinders living normally, because I wonder, I want to know...

How do they do it?

To have long walks and feel relaxed afterwards

Because trust me, countless of times, I tried going for long walks

But all ended up the same, instead of feeling relaxed, I felt distracted, frustrated, agitated

Because every step that I take, is a new thought in my head

Forcing me to think, over think, think, over think, think, over think.

I wonder how they do it?

Balanced meals, healthy diets, exercising, time management, waking up at 6 am and being productive, because I cannot relate

I tried doing those things for a day or two

But find myself relapsing, waking up at 12 noon and still feel so blue

I promise, I tried befriending meditation and self-help books

But that's the thing about my friends anxiety and depression, they are selfish

Only wanting me for themselves

Convincing me that I don't need help.

I wonder how they do it?

To stay afloat, because I am drowning

As life waves hit us, I am washed under

Drowning, I'm falling, as I wave my arms, screaming for help

The water suffocating me, panic rushed through my veins

I look up feeling curious and envious

Because here I am drowning, maybe close to dying

And here they are, surfing the waves as if they are pros or floating

As the darkness engulf my vision,

A burst of light appeared.

A burst of light appeared

And I thought that was God, I thought it was my time to go

I felt so peaceful because I thought this suicide attempt finally worked

But I was wrong

The burst of light was not God nor heaven

Nor St. Peter holding the gate for me

But it was you.

You, you came in different forms

You came in the form of my favorite song

Through old habits, and new hobbies

Through the faces of my loved ones

Through the smell of iced coffee

And newly bought books

Through poetry, through the sound of pen scratching a new page of a journal

Through bible verses of "Cast you anxieties to Him because He cares for you."

Through the warm smiles and comforting hugs of my friends,

Through the color yellow

And when I told you that loving me requires patience, because I have this tendency to push people away when time gets tough

When I told you that loving me is a rollercoaster, fun at first, but will only harm you in the end

And I keep on telling you that I wasn't deserving, I am not deserving, and will never be deserving of love, efforts, and everything good in life

You reminded me to breathe, you told me that she is a liar because the truth is, I am worth loving, valued, and important just like everybody else

You made me feel that I'm not alone

That in the first place, I wasn't really alone to begin with

When I tell you that I'm starting to feel anxious, the spiral is starting in my head, you look straight into my eyes, telling me to inhale, hold for my five seconds, then exhale

Your hugs and touch suddenly are comfort zones, it felt like home

When I start to hate myself, you give me reasons to love myself even more

And when I am unable to project light, you became the light amidst the darkness, amidst my darkness.

Suddenly, one day I woke up

Surprisingly the sky is blue, sun's out shining,

And the weight on my shoulders lifted

The clouds aren't grey as it used to be

The rain is not pouring, my tears are not joining, camouflaging as it used to be

As I breathe, clenching my heart, teary eyed, a smile forms

After everything I've been through, and so this...

This is how it feels to finally be okay.

- g.b