things i'll never say out loud

countdown.

TEN

Ten days or maybe more after my birthday when it happened

NINE

There are nine rules to life:

be kind.

be compassionate.

be gentle.

give love.

don't expect too much.

always do your best.

be thankful.

give back.

uplift others.

nine things, nine lessons, from you.

EIGHT

seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

as i count to eight, goes back to one.

closing my eyes, hoping it wasn't true.

SEVEN

seven times, I've denied that you are gone.

No. it can't be.

No.

No. It's not real.

No. You are just resting.

No.

No. You'll wake up!

No!!!

screaming, crying, tears were falling.

SIX

I was only six years old.

oh God, why? Why did you take him away?

from my mom? from us? from me?

why? I want to know why.

FIVE

there were five people hysterically crying in the white room

of the cold blooded hospital. Your wife, your parents, your brother,

your sister, and your best friend.

FOUR

"I am so proud." four little words.

those words i never heard you say when you are still

living, breathing, with me.

THREE

"I love you." three words i wish i heard you say to me before you took your last breath.

as my little feet could take me, running to your room, i opened the door.

everybody's crying, looking at me, pity in their eyes.

"kiss your dad goodbye." mom said.

I remember kissing your cold cheeks, as a tear rolled down my own

"I love you."

now that "I love you." turned into "I... miss you."

TWO

730 days. Roughly two years after your death,

i realized and i accepted that you are truly gone

and the truth, no matter how hard i try, you will never come back.

ONE

"absence makes the heart grow fonder."

years will pass, thing will fall in its place, beauty will fade,

but one thing that will never change is my love for you

that will always remain.

-g.b.