things i'll never say out loud

girl crush.

it's 3 am
i hear the quiet hums of the ac and the soft snores of my family sleeping
I sighed, tears clouded my vision
the loudness of my heart breaking emerges from the quiet air of this early morning

I stare at the ceiling
my head forming images of you with her
images of your smile because of her
Images of you supporting her
not me
images of your stories about her and your conversations coming to life
Its her, the star of your world

Its her i want to be
maybe if i lose weight, have a wonderful body as her
Or copy her hairstyle or how she wears her outfits
How she presents herself
Maybe if i can be as fierce as her
Or close enough to her beauty
Maybe, you'll see me.

Its her i want to be
I want to you to smile at me like how you smile at her
I want to be the reason for your giddiness and happiness
I want to be the girl you talk about your friends and tell them how you like me
Its her i want to be

Its her i want to be
I want her smile that sends you too puddles
I want her laugh that is music to your ears
I want her personality that you are so attracted to
I want to hold up the conversation like her, the way you gush about
i got it real bad.

Its her i want to be
I want to be the one you direct that "damn she's beautiful"
I want to have her power, that everytime she talks to you, you will melt
I want to be the reason why your cheeks are that tint of cherry
I want you to get to know me just like how much you want to get to know her
Its her i want to be, your inspiration, you women crush Wednesday, your muse

If i try my best to be just like her
maybe, just maybe, you will love me just as much.

-g.b.