things i'll never say out loud

death is a familiar friend.

‪death is a familiar friend‬
but at the same time unfamiliar
for it shows up in different personas
and leaves a different impact every time it visits
some visits are worse, some are not.

death is a familiar friend
also is grief
no matter how many times grief visits
and leaves
I still don't know how to cope with his visits
he still leaves me in shock
full of what ifs, aches, and confusion.

death and grief are familiar friends
but at the same time unfamiliar
both leave me weak
familiar —- i know they visited me before
also unfamiliar — they show up without an invitation but they are now in different forms
they look older, looking at me
expecting that since the last time they visited was a long time ago,
I should know now how to welcome and accept them.

they visited me at a young age.
I still remember the familiar sobs, and the familiar sound of hearts breaking
these things happened today
it's like history repeating itself,
the familiarity is scary.

I saw them again, today.
death and grief, together hand in hand.
i saw them again, today.
in all of our faces, in every sound of tears falling, in every heart that broke
i saw how they entered the room, seeing death
and going home, with grief.
i wasn't a sight to see.

i stand at the back
with tears falling from my eyes
mixture of blacks and whites
but all of us in common grey.

- g.b