things i'll never say out loud

hija ako.

(TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault)

9th grade
i was wearing leggings and a large shirt
when an uninvited stare came to me
that night his eyes was my nightmare
until now i still remember the lust in his eyes
and the feeling of fear rushing through my body.

10th grade
I was wearing my uniform
a blouse and a long skirt that reached after my knees
when my male classmate touched me
unwanted touch
That night i scrubbed my waist so hard until i felt clean
Until his hand prints are no where to be found
but i was wrong. It stayed, but now
Faded.

11th grade
I was walking
When a boy catcalled me
I tugged my skirt
Hugged myself tighter
Looked down and prayed
That the walk to school
will become faster.

4 years.
It went on going.
Unwanted touches
thighs, shoulders, arms
but i was wearing the same long uniform
I started wearing jackets
I started thinking if what they were doing is okay
I sat further away from them
I started scrubbing harder
Unwanted touches
Unwanted fear

never had the guts to tell anyone
For the fear of being misunderstood
"It was just a joke, stop overthinking! Its nothing."
but jokes were supposed to be funny to be called a joke
what he did to me never deserved any laughter.

for years,
everyone reminded me to
"Wear a bra!"
"Thats too short!"
"Thats too tight!"
"Not that! Ayusin mo sarili mo! Ano ka ba may lalake!"
"Change!"

for years
i did follow them.
maybe if i follow them the unwanted touches will stop, but it didn't.

for years,
I was scared of being blamed
but i keep on reminding myself
I never asked for it.

for years,
i learned how make alcohol sprays and perfumes as my weapons
saving posts of "what to do when in danger"
practicing saying the word "NO" and not feeling guilty
speaking up during uncomfortable times even if my voice shakes
for years,
I learned to stay in a crowd
than walk alone.
I kept every advice, warning, instructions
and it gets so tiring.

Its tiring to adjust when i am not the one who needs adjusting.

for years,
i kept my silence.
the paralyzing fear held me captive.

with a shaky voice,
Im breaking my silence.

Their stares and touches left marks on me
And yes they will always be there attached to the trauma they bought,

but i am more than them.

its time to reclaim my body. its time to reclaim my freedom, my safety.

my voice may be shaky but if this helps
even one person, i will continue to speak.

its time to reclaim myself, and its time for predators to stop claiming victims as objects to satisfy them.

it is never my clothes. it is always your mind.

-g.b  // when i posted this on my twt, i was so scared to put the hija ako hashtag bc i wasn't ready to share my story in such a big platform, i was ok with my close friends aka my followers to see this, now im sharing this poem here. its scary to speak up about this but if  this helps one person, that will mean so much already. i hope you know what you are feeling is valid, there is so much bravery in your silence, dont worry, you are not alone, you are not fighting this battle alone, they will be our voices, its time for us to be heard. remember that our clothes doesn't mean consent. IT IS NOT OUR CLOTHES, IT IS ALWAYS YOUR MIND. may nararape dahil may rapist. may namamanyak dahil may manyak. di kasalanan ng damit namin ok? im so done adjusting when the truth is, di naman ako yung kailangan mag adjust. ok bye huhu