things i'll never say out loud

sunshine.

People have always compared me to a "sunshine"

That whenever they see me, they see this positive person

With a smile so wide and a laugh so contagious

But there are so many things a smile and a laugh could hide

It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies, and the sun cannot shine without

A little bit of rain

But the rain poured, hard, like cats and dogs in my life.

At the age of six,

As my little feet could take me, it took me to a white hallway

I entered a room full of eyes of pity, my mom carried me, uttered,

"Kiss your dad goodbye" as my lips touched his cold cheeks

They covered him with a white cloth

I believed because they told me that he was just sleeping

But the sleep always wakes up, he never did.

At the age of seven to eleven

Girls started picking at my skin

Spreading rumors that my skin asthma, that my eczema was contagious

I know for every fake smile they give me is a look of disgust behind my back

At a young age, I was alone, I was useless, friendless,

Less of a person because I didn't fit into their standards

Less of a person because I wasn't accepted, less of a person because I had conditions

But I never despised my bullies, because of them I grew up

I grew up way too fast.

I was thirteen when I started thinking about my body,

That's the thing I never thought that there was something wrong with my body

Until people started commenting about it

"you are getting bigger", "you are so fat, that's not pretty."

"you are already a young lady, better lose weight!"

Because that is the belief, that fats equates to ugly

That when we gain weight, our beauty will fade.

During my teenage years, I like to say I became sociable.

I made new friends

I made new friends because I was lonely

I was lonely because I was alone

And when you are alone and lonely

Miss Anxiety knocks at your door, asking to be friends with you

Of course I said yes,

Because its better to have her as company than being alone

I rather take her attacks then be alone

Because alone means lonely

And I'm so tired of feeling alone.

Breathe.

Step one: Breathe in.

Step two: Hold it for a few seconds.

Step three: Breathe out.

Step four: Repeat until calmed down.