***
I got home and I'm still not myself. I finished all of my chores and my routines, but my mind is still flying. I don't know, I'm just not myself. I've been thinking about that new project, who could it be? If it's big celebrities, it's okay! Kakayanin ko. But there are certain people who I can't handle.
"Kanina ka kamo wala sa sarili mo. Nagmumuka ka nang tanga," singit bigla ni Andrea. Napabuntong hininga na lang ako at 'di na alam ang gagawin. Kung bakit ba kasi ako nanaman?! Sandamakmak na ang mga kasamahan ko pero ako nanaman? Bawal bang huminga muna?
I am one of the employees here who have good records even when I just started the job. Maybe that's their reason. Still, giving chances to others won't hurt! I'm still a rookie.
"Tulala ka nanaman manang!" tinapik ng konti ni Andrea ang ulo ko. Sabog nanaman ako. Ilang araw pa ba ako magiging sabog ng ganito.
"I-I'm sorry. There's a lot of things that...I've been thinking," sagot ko na lang. I can't even look at her. Acting professional is so hard. I have to keep all my emotions inside me, even if I'm already melting inside. And, it's so hard to keep my cool. It's so hard to keep it all inside. I...am getting closer to the point where I want to give up on everything. It's...so hard. Ayoko na. Gusto ko na matapos 'to, but I can't wait anymore. It's so exhausting. Everything is so tiring.
Lumuhod si Andrea sa harapan ko, kahit 'di niya sinasabi, I know that she wants to listen. I took a deep sigh and looked at her.
"Andrea, what if...I give up?" sabi ko. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya, she wants to complain already. I can feel it, but, her maturity is acting more. She wants to hear my reasons first.
"I...I'm just so tired of everything. For years, I'm hiding. I can't live freely, I'm avoiding the judgement of people. I am not safe. Palaging may bumabagabag sa 'kin, because I don't know what will happen next. And...I've always kept the burden inside me. When...When Nathan started to act like shit. It's just so tiring!" my tears started to burst. She stood up and hugged me tight. She wasn't saying anything, but her hug tells everything.
"Ayoko na...Ayoko na, nakakapagod na...Sobra. In everything that I do, especially in work, there's always doubt...Because, I'm scared to see him. I'm so not ready..." pabulong na lang ang huli kong sinabi dahil nanghihina na ako. I hate this feeling.
"I'm so tired of being strong! It...It just..." hindi ko na matuloy. Iyak na lang ako ng iyak. I've been so busy keeping everything inside me all these years. I've been so busy covering up all the pain with work, that I forgot to take care of myself. I forgot that I need to leave space for myself too. I forgot, that I have feelings.
