***
When we got home, I was shaking to death. I got so nervous. Nang makita ko sila, parang kinilabutan ang buong katawan ko. They looked so...Different. And, seeing a lot of bodyguards and police officers who are on their side, makes me think that they really are that desperate to catch me and make me suffer. My own family, hates me so much. And it hurts a lot. I hate them, and I tried to forget that they are my family. I tried to erase them in my memories and in my life. But, I can't deny that I'm still hurting, thinking that they want me to feel all the pain.
I didn't want to talk about it that night. Ayokong may masira man sa 'kin dahil marami pa kaming gagawin kinabukasan. We just packed all of our things and prepared everything. They're not talking that much. They know that I'm really not in the mood. I can't help it. Gustuhin ko man na ipakitang masaya ako, na kaya ko, na malakas ako, hindi ko magawa. Malaki ang epekto sa 'kin.
Kahit anong pagpipigil ko, narito pa rin sa loob loob ko ang mahinang side ko. Narito pa rin ang kagustuhan ko na magkaayos kami. Umaasa talaga ako, na may pag asa pang maayos namin ang relasyon namin bilang pamilya. But, slowly, I'm already loosing hope. Maybe, it was never meant to happen? Maybe...I'm just trying so hard for nothing. Maybe this is a sign that we will never be okay.
Even in my sleep, I was crying. But I tried my best not to make a sound. I don't want to wake the two up. Pinipilit ko na lang din isantabi ang mga nararamdaman ko dahil sa kagustuhang magpahinga. Life is so tiring, honestly. It gives us a lot of problems, challenges and more. It would sometimes really seek for our weaknesses, and it's up to us whether we're going to stand up and face it, or we're just going to stay down and let the pain go on. I chose to fight, many times. But...Why is destiny showing me that I should give up? Should I?
"Get in," a guard told me. Isa siguro 'yon sa mga drivers ng company na 'yon. Today's a big day for all of us. Ewan ko ba pero kinakabahan ako. I have the best records, that's what others say. But for me, I still need to learn a lot.
Hindi ko na rin alam, pero buong biyahe kabado ako. I'm not excited at all. Isa pa, parang may bumabagabag sa 'kin. Hindi ako makalunok ng matino. All of my co-photographers are having a good chit-chat with each other. I am friends with all of them, pero masyado yata akong kabado para makapag salita.
"Hey! Are you okay? You look pale," Andrea told me. Sa lahat ng photographers dito, siya lang talaga ang laging kausap ko.
"I'm fine," I assured her. I even tried to squeeze a smile out. Of all my projects, ito na ata ang pinaka kinabahan ako. Parang gusto ko na lang ibato yung camera sa mga model.
Few hours later, nakarating na rin kami sa set kung saan gaganapin ang shoot. Our things are being prepared by some men, at kaming mga photographers naman ay inaayos ang aming mga camera, stands, at iba pang gagamitin. Madalas sa 'min ay babae, konti lamang ang lalaki.
