The Black Knightress (Back up for fulls)

{83}

January 8 2016
Avenger Compound, Sarah's Room
Sarah's POV

"What do you mean?"

"Your job as Captain America? or your job as a father? Being a father isn't a job, most the time it's a choice." I ask as I keep my tone low

"I was a dad before I became Captain America." he nods as if he's trying to convince himself

"You were Katherine's dad before you became Cap, you were already enhanced when I was created into existence." I point at him

I figure he would know that.

"I have a new goal that by the time that you graduate, you will know love, know how to feel love, hear it, see it and be able to express it." he points back

"Love has only gotten me hurt." I shrug off

"I'll make sure you only know real love, not whatever you've known."

"But you said you wouldn't hurt me."

"And you said pain isn't always intended." he points out

"Did you know that Ma had pregnancy complications with me after you went into the ice? Her body was so stressed and worn out from you leaving that she was hospitalized for the last month of her pregnancy."

"I didn't know that, i'm sorry." he sighs

"If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it." I tell him

"It's not like I can go back and change that, if I did then I would fix it."

"If you hadn't crashed that stupid jet, you could have saved Uncle James and I from Hydra, and you could have even done a lot more for the military too. I understand the Avenger's Initiative, but many other things could have gone better. I hate to guilt-trip you, but this is the truth."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

We sit in silence for a few minutes before pulling ourselves back together again.

"You mean more to me than you could ever imagine." Steve looks at me

"Don't give me those puny words."

"I wish I had gotten to tuck you in at night, hold you when you cried, especially holding in the delivery room after you were born, but I'll never get that chance. All we can do is work at the future to have a better one of those than our pasts." he insists

"As a small child I had to listen to the only thing I had of my father before he died. I had to listen to his radio recording of you and Ma's conversation before you went into the ice. Hearing that was terrifying because I had to hear my mothers screams begging you to come home."

"I was told they calmed you." he turns his head in confusion

"Until I was about three and a half or four, at that point I was just mad at you because I was finally able to truly understand what your words meant and how they affected me. Then when I was borrowed by Dreykov, he used it to torture me after I woke up at the Red Room."

"That sounds like a lot."

"Do you know how that feels?" I question

"I can't say that I do."

"Those words of yours that you used to say goodbye to Ma have never left, I don't believe that they ever will." I think back

"Do you want them to?" he sniffles

"I don't know." I shrug

"Sarah." tears fall down his face as if my words hurt him

"Those words will always be tainted in my life now, nothing will change that. You were talking in the recording as if you would see us again, as if you planned on remaining a father. That's part of what hurts the most, was you pretending that you are acting as if you would be there for us. Pretending as if you would be there when I was born, when I laughed for the first time, when I took my first steps, not having you there whether I realized it or not..felt empty. Now, I have a father and a mother, but I barely know either of them even though they are my biological parents and I was never a foster child." I explain