Faceless Instincts

Losing Sanity

With my head down I sobbed like a child. There were things that I thought I knew but had just realised and experienced, like the difference between being alone and lonely.

I was lonely. I had not one to turn to. Just a month ago even without memory, I had friends, colleagues and imaginable lovers.

Today on the night of the saviour's birth I was sitting without a saviour.

I needed someone to hold me because I was breaking down. Losing. Crashing against the walls that I never knew were there.

I realised sometimes even when you think you are doing good for others you just can help but be the villain of their story, and you don't get to tell them how to narrate their story.

I wiped my tears only to smoothen the path for the new ones to roll down. I felt a presence beside me and then a firm touch on my head, reflexively I snapped my head up.

"Are you okay?" I saw the father standing there looking down at me.

I nodded but I was sure my beet-red eyes must have said otherwise.

He walked ahead and sat beside me, "I have watched you cry for three hours without stopping." He looked at me, "talk to me."

I took a precarious breath ever and a hitch caused me to pour out a fresh batch of tears.

"I am lost" I whispered and I heard a chuckle

"I hope not literally," he said and for some reason - maybe because I was losing my mind - I chuckled too.

"I don't know where I am going, it's like the deeper I dig the darker it gets"

"Then you are probably not too far away from the light. How dark can it get, enough to break you?"

I shook my head looking down at my hands in my lap.

"Even the lost find themselves somewhere they can call home. You can not get lost in a void, my child."

"I think I am losing my mind, I don't remember anything and the harder I try to reach out for the past it just slips away," I said looking up at him and for the first time, I noticed how young that man was.

"Then maybe you need to sit down and let the past crawl up to you. Not everything will be in your hold, sometimes you just have to let things wander off and live with the satisfaction of knowing that they are somewhere out there."

I nodded, "I... I lost a loved one six months ago and I lost my entire memory of him. Now I am trying to find out what happened, but it gets harder every day. With every secret disclose, I find myself surrounded by ten others."

"Secrets tell a thousand lies, to build the walls that they hide behind." He looked down at me, "but there's no way they can hide in the dark forever, the truth always comes to light. You just need to be strong enough to crumble the walls."

I nodded and wiped my tears, "maybe you can tell me the name of your loved one, we can pray?" He said standing up.

"Dorian Ashford" I whispered and he looked at me.

"The younger Ashford?" He waited for me to answer and I shook my head in a yes, "the son of Sussanne?"

"Yes."

"He passed away?" He asked with utter surprise and shock.

"Almost six months ago, he is resting near the lake," I said and he looked at me in confusion.

"Well, let's pray for him then."

As I was leaving the church he walked up to me, "where are you staying?" He asked.