Faceless Instincts

Secret Files 2

A knock on the door separated Nikolai and me and we stood at a distance, "guys?" Joschka's voice penetrated the door and Nikolai opened it.

"There's something that you need to see," he said and opened the laptop, "the files weren't deleted, they were merely encrypted and hidden." He acknowledged walking inside the room and placing the laptop on the table.

"Brilliant," Nikolai whispered and I shook my head.

"See this." Joschka grabbed our attention again, "this file has been heavily encrypted but when you open it there's nothing but a bunch of alphabets."

I peered onto the screen and he wrote, "maybe it's a code for something?" I said and Nikolai nodded.

"The question is what." He stood straight and looked at Joschka, "other things are accessible?"

He nodded and moved away from the laptop, "I'll just be downstairs."

"We'll be there in a while"

Joschka nodded and left us alone. Nikolai closed the door and locked it, "so, what do you suspect that you'll find here?" He asked.

I was already making my way from folder to folder, "my notes that I made while talking to Dorian." I said opening the folder I was looking for, "I mean there has to be something in here that gives us a lead, because if not then why would they hide it."

Nikolai let out a breath, "you are right, but that's a lot of stuff of stuff to go by."

My screen was filled with organised and dated notes. Every single conversation and assessment was there. Finally, I had my past in front of me, and it was begging me to read away our troubles.

I looked up at Nikolai, "do we have a choice?"

He sighed, "fine, let's do this together."

It was not easy to sit with Nikolai and read what Dorian once said or experienced.

"I don't understand why it was always Dorian?" Nikolai asked as he read.

"Maybe because they were able to get him at an early age."

"But..." He ran his fingers through his hair, "I feel terrible for blaming him for what he did."

I placed a palm on his knee, "it's fine. You are his brother, you are allowed to cope with your grief in whichever way you want, even if that's being angry with him."

Nikolai gritted his teeth which made his jaw on one side move, "how are you coping with it?" He looked up at me, "you loved him and he left you while you gave your everything to him."

I looked at the screen, taking a moment to think, to reflect how I was coping, finally, I took a deep breath, "to be honest I don't even remember if I gave it my all." I glanced at him and found his gaze on me, "I mean there must have been something... something that I missed, did wrong or lacked in. And I guess it's my prime motivation to do what I am doing. I just want to know once and for all, what he was feeling and why he took his life. What was causing him so much pain that leaving the world behind seemed like an easier option."

"I hope you don't feel guilty about it." He said taking my hand.

"Why? because you feel like it's your fault?"

His grip tightened a little, "I am his big brother, of course, I feel like I should have been there."

"But it's not your fault that you wanted to do one thing for yourself. Guilt can consume us like nothing else can, Nikolai. And even if we failed, it doesn't mean we didn't live him or that he didn't know it. There was love in every act of care, there was love in every mistake. It's just that maybe it wasn't strong enough to make him stay. "