This is book two of the No Good For You series.
Sada and Billie return with far more to experience and much more to give! New members of the Anthony-Eilish family have arrived. Will this be for better or worse?
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"And then I left." I rub my sweaty hands on my pants as I watch my therapist, Sarah scribble on her note pad.
"How did that make you feel?" She looks up at me and pushes her glasses up on her nose.
"Shitty— I felt like I ran from her. I know I ran from her but I couldn't take it anymore Sarah. I asked her if something was going on and she lied." My heart thumps as my anger prickles my skin. I rub my thumb against my wrist to soothe myself.
"Have you tried speaking to her since?"
"No," I purse my lips, getting that overwhelming guilt feeling again. "I can't face her. I just can't— the thought is overwhelming me."
"Is that your guilt again? Because you didn't give her a fair chance to explain herself?"
"No explanation would excuse what I saw." I mumble and look down at my shoes. "I know I was planning on breaking up with her anyway but not in that way. You know? I wanted to be cordial and let everything out not slap her and flee." I shake my head thinking about the look on her face that night. "I was so in love with her until I wasn't anymore. I would've never put my hands on her before but I don't know what came over me."
"What were you feeling in that moment?" She asks, but as the word angry rolls off my tongue she stops me. "Dig deep and find other feelings. Something that wasn't clear to you until now.
I sit for a minute, cycling out all the obvious feelings like anger, sadness, heartache and confusion. "Relief?" Her eyebrows shoot up at that reveal as if she didn't expect that.
"Elaborate on that a little."
"Relief because I didn't have to do the scary part." I start, "You know how scary it is to be honest with someone you love? To tell them you don't want to spend the rest of your life with them." She nods in understanding and holds a neutral gaze.
"So to you, hurting her is more scary than being hurt?"
"I suppose so." I chuckle and look down at my hands for a brief second. "I mean I guess at the time yeah, I never wanted to hurt her or cause her any insecurities. But I realized that I hurt me so much more than I hurt her and that isn't fair. I didn't deserve what I put myself through."
After the breakup, I'd fallen into a deep depression. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't do that to myself and I didn't for a few days until I had to tell my family what was going on.
The looks on their faces made me realize how bad it truly was. It was like the very first time all over again but this time my mom wasn't in the next room begging me to come out. I had to come out if I wanted to survive. If I didn't want to die in that apartment I had to pull myself out of my bed.
Moving out of that space was the first step to my healing but I halted it by not going back to therapy. Which I finally decided to go back to but I didn't want to talk about the breakup until today.
