Too Good For You

thirty six

Sada
April 4th, 2021

I watch Dr. Sarah scribble in her notepad as she sits across from me in her blue suede chair. I look up at the ticking clock above her desk then back at her.

I'd been here for about 20 minutes, talking about the game night and how the conversation with Drew went. She commended me for being mature about the situation and deciding to let Billie handle their situation from here on out.

It'll just be another test in our relationship. So far, I've passed. We'll just have to wait and see what Billie does on her end.

"If I'm correct here the two of you are abstaining from sex for how long?" Sarah asks looking up at me from her notepad.

"10 months, we have 5 months left." 5 long long long months left.

"That's a long time." She says shocked with a short laugh. "How has it been for the two of you?"

"For me it's been tough but she's taking it like a champ. I think since she's so used to going without sex with being on the road. For me I used sex as a distractor for so long." She nods understanding since we've had this conversation before.

"Have you two gotten close to have sex?" I nod and blow out a breath thinking of the many times we've had to stop ourselves. "How'd you feel when you had to stop?"

"Frustrated, proud, sad, angry, but mostly proud of myself. I'm keeping a promise to myself and I truly see her doing better because of it."

"I'm glad you feel proud of yourself. I think it's a nice goal to set for yourself and your relationship. Does it give you something to look forward to or are you at the point of not needing it?"

"I think I'm looking forward to it. Not just because it's sex but because it's sex with someone I love. I'll be making love to the woman I love for the first time." I admit.

"That's great to hear. So since you haven't been having sex and the two of you give one another space, what have you been doing whenever you feel sad or alone?" She rests her hand on her fist and I glance at her watch to avoid eye contact. "Last session you mentioned feeling alone and thoughts about your daughter have resurfaced, how do you cope with that?"

"Do you want the honest answer?" She chuckles and gives me a bitch yes look. I hesitate for a minute but then say it, "Smoking."

"Marijuana?"

"Yes, it went up from once a week to twice a day. Before work in the morning and after work." I admit and as she nods I can see the wheels churning in her brain. "I already know what you're going to say," She raises her brows.

"What am I going to say?" She crosses her right leg over her left and rests her hands on her notepad.

"I'm using weed in place of sex. Since me and Billie aren't attached at the hip, arguing or having sex then I had to pick up a new vice. Also, If I'm high out of my mind I won't have time to dwell on the fact that I'm still grieving."

"I wasn't going to say that, I was thinking it but that's very self aware of you." She jots down her notes. "You're doing my job better than I am." She jokes, pushing a piece of her short brown hair behind her ear. She looks down at her watch before back up at me. "Anything else you want to discuss before we wrap up?"

"Yeah actually, I've been thinking about taking classes to be a yoga instructor or maybe just doing yoga classes." She nods, with a curious look. " I do it every once in a while at home and I think a class would help me stay on track, what do you think?"

"I think it's a great idea. It's giving you another hobby to enjoy since guitar didn't turn out well." She chuckles and I wince thinking about me launching that guitar over the balcony out if frustration. "As far becoming an instructor, I would take classes first to get yourself on schedule with it, maybe branch out and network a bit."