The Embers of Hope

Chapter 6

Mondays have never been my favorite day. If that's the case, it'll only happen once in a blue moon. Either there is a school event or someone close to my heart has a special occasion. It's gotten even worse for me now that I have to go to the hospital every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Buong linggo ay wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang i-distract ang sarili ko. Nang matauhan ako 'nong sabado ay para akong nilubayan ng kaluluwa ko. My head appears to be soaring high in the sky, left behind to that night, while my heart remains on the ground in the terrible disappointment and humiliation I'm feeling. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng maayos dahil sa mga bumabagabag sa utak ko. I never imagined that one night would have such a worse yet amazing effect on me, alcohol associated with new moments.

"Alam mo 'yon, Mab..." I paused to find the right words to explain what I'm feeling. "Masaya ako sa mga naranasan ko 'nong gabing iyon pero bigla akong nakakaramdam ng takot. My paranoia and anxiety is getting worse. Biruin mo 'yon, isang gabi lang 'yon, ha, pero windang na windang ako. I mean... ugh! I don't know! I don't know if I'm telling you the exact feelings that I felt that night until now." Napabangon ako mula sa pagkakahiga at ginulo ang buhok ko. "Am I making sense, Mab?"

I heard her low chuckle on the other line. Tiningnan ko siya sa screen, hinihintay kung ano man ang magiging reaksiyon niya. I've been talking to her for hours now, simula 'nong paglabas ko ng banyo. Pinaalis ko agad 'yong dalawa kong pinsan para mas ma-sink in ko sa utak ko ang lahat. And... I told Mab everything, details after details.

Call me OA, I don't care. Everything feels just new to me. I feel like I'm finally entering the world where I actually belong, and I hate being this ignorant and emotional. Paano na lang kung ito na ang magiging buhay ko for the next days?

"Alam mo 'yon, Lu..." Napasimangot ako nang gayahin niya na naman ako. "Gaga! Normal lang 'yan. Naiintindihan kita. Gets ko 'yong point mo. Overwhelmed ka lang, lalo na't pakiramdam mo nahanap mo na 'yong 'the one' mo." She rolled her eyes.

"I didn't say that!" I tried to be calm as possible but I just really can't... gather my messy thoughts right now. "Hindi ko lang alam kung paano ko siya haharapin pa after what I did that night."

"Eh 'di sabihin mong dare lang."

"Hoy, mas nakakahiya 'yon. Baka kung ano pa ang isipin niya lalo na't siya ang naging biktima ng nonsense dare ni Sas."

"Biktima? Mas gusto mo talaga siyang tawagin ng ganyan kaysa sa Inus?"

Pinandilatan ko siya ng mga mata nang marinig ko na naman ang pangalan niya. Bahagya ko pang inilayo ang screen ng phone ko sa mukha ko.

"Isa pa, nonsense? Sigurado ka? Based from my observation — oh English 'yan, kabahan ka na! So, based from my observation, masaya ka. Pero confused ka kasi bago ito sa 'yo."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

"Hayaan mo, next Friday sama ka ulit! Ano, g?"

Napaisip ako. Panandalian ko iyong prinoblema dahil hindi ko na naman alam kung ano ang ipapaalam ko. Besides, hindi lang sila Mab at 'yong ibang tao sa club ang naabala ko, maging ang dalawa kong pinsan na lalaki na ilang beses akong niligtas at pinagtakpan sa parents ko. Paano kaya nila ako naipasok dito sa bahay na ganoon ang hitsura ko?

Anyway, they had already explained everything to me, but not in depth, so I couldn't help but ask more questions to myself. I owe them a lot. Kaya minsan nagtataka na talaga ako kung paano ba nila nakukuha ang loob ng parents ko gayong ako ay parang dadaan muna sa matinding pagsusulit bago ko sila mapapayag sa kung ano man ang sabihin ko.

"I'll..." I sighed. "I'll try, Mab. Update na lang kita ulit."

When I unlocked my phone that same Saturday, it was bombarded by messages from the people I met on Friday night. I just scanned the names without reading their messages. I even noticed a message from one of the guys who had requested for a picture with me. I immediately came to a halt when I saw Inus' name. I was astonished at first, and then went insane in my room minutes later.