The Embers of Hope

a letter for him

Inus,

Looking out the plane window at the blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds and the golden fingers of sunlight reflections reminds me of our future dreams — the memories we want to make together. I can't believe I'll be sitting here alone, remembering all of our memories as I write this letter to you.

Hindi ko kayang umalis lang na wala akong maibibigay na kahit ano sa 'yo. So, for the last time, I'll pour out my heart to you in this 'corny' and 'cliché' letter, just so you'll remember me in the future. Para naman kahit masaya ka na ay maramdaman mo pa ring may manggugulo sa 'yo na isa na lang parte ng nakaraan mo.

Despite the fact that this new day is quiet and calm, I'm still chaotic on the inside. I know you are too. Hindi rin biro ang pinagdaanan natin. I mean, we've got to spend at least more than a year together, happy and free. Ang ikli lang pala, right? After 'non, bigla na lang nag-iba ang mga landas natin. But it already feels like an eternity because of the comfort and warmth you continue to lavish on me. If I had been stronger, I would not have reacted in that manner.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to make excuses for you, but you see, Inus, parehas lang tayong nasa maling oras at sitwasyon. Hindi ko masabi sa 'yo... that I'm always having a hard time dealing with my parents, studies and something more deep and sensitive about myself, but everytime I'm with you, I just feel at ease. You are more than a home to me. My world revolves around you, which isn't right because avoiding problems outside of our relationship breaks the inside of our relationship. It gradually breaks us down without even realizing it.

Alam kong marami ka ring pinagdadanan. We both do and I'm not comparing mine to you. Sadyang hindi lang tayo gaanong naging open sa mga problema natin sa takot na maapektuhan nito ang relasyon natin. That's where everything went wrong, if you ask. We're always trying to strengthen our relationship to the point where the root of it all becomes weaker. Hindi natin magawang ma-assess kung ano ba ang mali, kung saan o sino ba ang kulang. Masyado tayong nabulag sa pagmamahal na akala natin ay binubuo at pinagkakaisa tayo.

All this time, our relationship has never been that healthy, Inus. Pero hindi ko pa rin ito magawang mabalewala dahil diyan na ako namulat sa lahat ng bagay. Diyan na ako sinubok ng buhay. Diyan nabuo ang mga naging desisyon at choices natin para lang manatiling matatag. Our relationship is where we learn to grow as individuals rather than as partners.

Parehas tayong nasa dilim sa ilang taon dahil sa sakit natin. Parehas tayong lumalaban sa magkaibang paraan. Parehas nating pinipilit na mabuhay para lang sa kapakanan ng bawat isa. Me for you; and you for me. We didn't realize how much it was affecting our sanity, and I'm hoping that by letting you go, you'll finally see it. Kasi lahat naman ginawa ko para hindi mag-isip ng kung ano-ano para lang makasira sa atin. But... I kept on failing.

I'm sorry that we have to go through this. I'm sorry I didn't notice it sooner. I'm sorry we have to witness each other's pain while we continue to break ourselves. I'm sorry, Inus. Ngayon ko masasabi sa 'yo na hindi ako ang para sa 'yo. Hindi ako ganoon kalakas para pagsabayin ang pagmamahal ko sa 'yo at sa mga issues ko sa buhay na sadyang madami. Oo na, sorry din sa pagiging ma-drama at OA, but I want to say this as the beginning of finally feeling the validation I need for myself more than anyone else.

I love you, Godvynus Tansley. That is a fact that I will never be able to conceal. I love you, but it's hard. Sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa 'yo, nakalimutan ko nang mahalin muna ang sarili ko. Will you finally let me go now? Let us continue to love ourselves individually. Baka sakaling kaya pang mabuo ang nawala at nasira sa atin.

I will be eternally grateful for having you in my life. I hope you will live on in my memory for the rest of our lives. Ayokong kalimutan ka. Even if I lose my love for you, I don't want to forget and lose our shared moments together.

Next time we see each other, I hope the wound is already healed. I wish you only the best in life. Tapos na sa worst, sooo... :)

Bye... for now, Inus. Alam kong magkikita pa tayo bago o pagkatapos mo itong mabasa. Huwag mo sanang sisihin ang sarili mo. Please lang, been there, done that. It's not healthy. Stop, okay? Don't do it.

Lu