The Embers of Hope

Chapter 17

"So, what happened after that?" It's Dr. Israel, my almost five-year psychiatrist, with whom I've formed a bond. She's been working to improve my physical and psychological conditions, but to no avail. It only worsens over time.

I'm trying to help myself as well, but I'm afraid I'm getting a grip on what's going on in my dreams. I'm afraid I'll find it more believable than the real world I'm currently at. Maybe I'll get stuck there before I know it. Maybe I'll find my life's hopes and reasons in my dreams rather than in reality. I don't want that to happen, but what can I do if my mind becomes more powerful than my body?

"We... we talked about it and just settled it. But then, another problem arises. I don't know why things like that kept on happening. Masaya naman pero ang hirap." Bumuga ako ng hangin. "Parang pinapalabas na hindi dapat kami nagkatuluyan. "

"I see. It's because it's all a part of it. Every problem, challenge, or obstacle is thrown at you to strengthen your relationship. 'Yong saya ay kaakibat ng struggles sa buhay. Hindi naman puwedeng palagi ka na lang masaya. Sometimes you need to feel sad and lonely in order to realize how strong you are and how you make decisions in life. It can also heal you without realizing it." Pinagsalikop niya ang mga kamay niya. "Tell me, are you certain you never felt the same happiness it made you feel when you were just getting to know each other?"

"I did... pero mas pumapaibabaw pa rin ang mga problema that it's both hurting us. Sinusubukan naman naming lumaban or to always work things out kasi nga mahal namin ang isa't isa, but the more we stick together, the further Inus drifts away."

"How so?"

"Sa tuwing nag-aaway kami, may parte sa kanya na nagbabago."

"Is it the same in reality?"

I locked my gaze on her. "No." Then I lowered my head. "It was me who changed after learning of his illness."

"So, everything happened because you couldn't accept that he was sick?"

"I suppose so." My tears began to fall. "I'm the one who made myself like this."

"Alam niya ba?"

Mahina akong umiling.

"I see. Schizophrenia is caused by life and relationship stressors. However, in science, it is caused by biochemical factors such as structural or chemical changes in the brain. If your neurotransmitters are imbalance, you are more likely to develop this serious mental health disorder. May iba ring factors na nakakaapekto rito, gaya ng environmental factors or the many life-changing events in your life." She started to write something. "Since you don't have most of the symptoms, how about we try a different approach this time? Some symptoms appear at times, while others do not, right? I want you to know that you won't be able to control anything soon enough. You will totally lost it, and I want you to be prepared for it." Hinarap niya ulit ako.

Actually, it's already happening. Ilang beses na akong nawala sa sarili ko. Ilang beses ko nang naramdaman na parang nagsisimula ulit ako sa simula. Minsan, sinasabi ng mga magulang ko na buong araw ay tulala lang ako, hindi makausap o makagalaw ng matino. Madalas din daw akong lumuha at magwala. When they told me that, it was as if I were a different person. My hallucinations and delusions are always distressing, but they are always trying to make me feel better.

Ah, I even become a suicidal. Yes, may mga araw na sobrang lala ko na pero mayroon ding parang normal lang. I think it depends to my vivid dreams. It also affects my memories kaya minsan maging si Inus ay nakakalimutan ko na. There have been times when I haven't been able to see him for weeks or even months, but I know he will always understand it.

"I already accepted it, Doc. I'm well-prepared for it."

No, I'm not. I'm just saying it to make myself feel a little better. Sometimes, I used words as my motivation. I need to, and I'm sure we all do. Because I know that words have the unrivaled ability to touch a person's heart that no one else can.