The Embers of Hope

Chapter 27

"Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko, eh! Tangina, Lu! You know it so well that too much of it will always kill you..." Nanlilisik ang mga mata ni Ken habang paulit-ulit na ginugulo ang dati nang magulo niyang buhok. "The both of you!" Dinuro niya ako. "I'm so disappointed in you, Lu. Hindi ka na lang sana namin nakilala. Akala ko pa naman matalino ka." He shook his head before leaving me speechless.

I was about to look at Elio and ask for help, but he turned away with those sad eyes.

"'Nong umiwas ka... pinaliwanag mo na sana sa amin at sana hindi ka na lang bumalik." Natulala ako sa kanya. "I'm sorry, Lu."

I've been blamed...

And I can't think of any rational reasons why.

Sinundan ko ng tingin ang dinaanan nina Ken at Elio papunta sa kuwarto ni Inus. My face can't express how much pain I'm feeling right now. I just stood there, deadpanned, staring down the busy corridor until it was empty and quiet. That's when all the tears I'd been holding back since yesterday when Inus came out from the OR burst forth. Kasalanan ko ba talaga ang lahat kung bakit nandito si Inus ngayon?

Wala na yatang mas ikasasakit ang pag-iyak mo ng tahimik habang pinipigilan ang pagkabasag ng puso mo. You just can't stop crying until it stops on its own, no matter how hard you try. Manhid na yata ang buong katawan ko, pero I know deep down that I've always been in emotional turmoil. Grabe, ga-graduate palang akong high school, but life has fucked me up so hard.

"Oh, Lu! Nandito ang mga kaibigan ni Inus. Why don't you join them?"

When I opened the door to Inus' room, I encountered Tita Carolina, who was about to leave. Lumagpas naman agad ang tingin ko sa balikat niya. Nakasalubong ko ang mga tingin nina Ken at Elio. They quickly averted their gaze and pretended to be distracted. Ibinalik ko na lang ulit ang tingin ko kay Tita.

I cracked a small grin. "Uhm, I already talked to them po. I'm just here to pick up my things."

"Ay bakit? Aalis ka?" Bahagyang nalungkot ang mga mata ni Tita.

"Uuwi lang po sana. Is it okay po?"

"Oo naman! Bakit naman hindi magiging okay, hija? You also need to calm yourself down and rest. Marami naman kaming nandito para bantayan si Inus." She tapped my shoulder with a faint smile.

"Thank you po."

Dumiretso agad ako sa may sofa kung nasaan ang maliit na bag na dala ko. Nang maisabit ko ito sa balikat ko, tiningnan ko ulit ang gawi nina Ken at Elio. I saw them looking at me too, but they tried so hard to not make an eye contact. Napabuntonghininga na lang ako saka na umalis.

I went home trying to get my life back to normal. I expected to see my parents, but they're at work, which I think is a good thing for me to start over. Matapos kong kumain, hinanda ko naman ang study area ko. Kung kasama ko si Inus, paniguradong babanatan niya na naman ako ng kung ano-ano tungkol sa pinapangarap naming future namin. But... for the time being, all I have is myself.

Umupo ako sa swivel chair kaharap ang laptop, ilang mga papers and books. Before beginning to scan papers, I checked my school e-mail first. Huli na ako sa mga ka-batchmates namin pero binigyan pa rin ako ng chance ng school para maka-graduate ng maayos, so I'm trying to fix it and cope. If I don't do this, I'll be even crazier thinking about Inus and the problems that are sleeping inside me, waiting to explode once the trigger is pulled.

"Hello there, Ms. Gonora! I'm delighted to see you again. So, are you now willing to retake the subjects you've, well, neglected? Anyway, para naman ito sa 'yo. Kapag hindi ngayon, kailan pa, right?" It's Sir Guevarra, one of our best instructors. Siguradong hindi masasayang ang oras ko rito.