The Embers of Hope

Beginning

Elu Gonora

What kind of life do you live for?

Do you stick to a set of rules and plans, or do you just go with the flow of life?

How do you manage to live every day if what's inside of you has already died?

May mga tanong na kay hirap sagutin. Kapag mas pinilit mong isipin ang gusto mong maging sagot, you'll get lost in your thoughts, making you questioned that questions or even blame it to the complexity of life.

I mean... what is it that we, people, really want to achieve in life? To be financially stable, should we finish education and obtain a job? Travel the world? Purchase pricey items that we couldn't afford back then? Own a large home or a fleet of cars? Give something back to parents? Get married and start a family? Is that all there is to it? What comes next then?

By achieving all of this, you will also discover the meaning or purpose of your life: a humble child, a good student, a trustworthy friend, a responsible worker, a happy wife and husband, a caring parent, and a fulfilled grandparent.

But, no matter what discoveries we make, our ultimate end will remain the same: death.

"Are you going to the hospital again?" my Mom when she entered my room.

Panandalian ko siyang binigyan ng tingin bago nagpatuloy sa pag-aayos ng mga gamit na dadalhin ko. Sawa at pagod na akong makipagtalo sa kanya sa tuwing pumupunta ako ng ospital. Wala akong mapapala kundi panibagong bigat sa dibdib when she knew well that it could only bring more harm to me.

Why is it so difficult for them to understand me when all I did while staying alive was to obey and understand them? Ganoon ba kahirap ibalik iyon?

As I was zipping up the hospital bag, I noticed her leaning against the door jamb in my peripheral view. I took a deep breath before facing her.

"I'm staying in the hospital for a week."

Nagkatitigan kami. Nang wala akong makuhang kahit na anong tugon ay nagsimula akong maglakad palabas ng kuwarto. Nang malapit na ako sa may pinto ay tumabi siya para makadaan ako.

"Call us if anything happens. We'll visit you from time to time."

Bahagya akong natigilan. This is the first time Mom has not reprimanded or stopped me from going.Hindi ko alam kung bukal o labag ba ito sa loob niya pero hindi na iyon importante. Perhaps they are now beginning to digest the entire scenario. I go to the hospital to keep being alive, not just to get cured. If they are slowly losing hope, I am not.

"I will. Thank you. Take care of yourselves." Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad na parang hanging nilagpasan ang ina ko.

Nang makarating sa sala, hinanap agad ng mga mata ko si Dad. Pinalaki man akong kulang sa aruga't pagmamahal, natuto naman ako kung paano rumespeto when I set rules in my life. Who would've thought that my sickness would turn everything upside down?

There was no one in the living room or kitchen, so I went directly to the parking area where my car was parked. I got this as a gift from my parents during my eighteenth birthday. Tumagal naman sa 'kin ng limang taon dahil pinahalagahan ko talaga, lalo na't sagana rin ito sa mga magaganda at mapapait na alaala.

I drove to the hospital. Habang naglalakad ako papunta sa isang kuwarto, pabigat nang pabigat ang nararamdaman ko. It's been four years pero hindi ko pa rin magawang masanay sa ganitong set-up. Hindi pa rin mawala-wala ang kaba at takot na matagal namutawi sa puso ko.

Pigil-hininga kong pinihit ang door knob. The bridge between life and death, reality and dreams, and hope and love immediately welcomed me. Nandito ang patuloy kong kinakapitan sa paunti-unting pagkaubos ko; ang nagbigay ng kulay sa mundo ko na siya ring naging daan para mas masira ang buhay ko.

It's the love of my life.

"Hi, Nurse Hailla," bati ko sa nars na nakalaan sa kanya.

"Hi, Lu. I'm sorry there hasn't been any progress." She smiled at me but all I could feel is pain and sadness.

Bawat araw ay ganito ang binabalita nila sa akin pero may parte pa rin sa akin na hindi nawawalan ng pag-asa na bigla siyang magigising at sorpresahin ako. Hanggang ngayon kasi ay hindi ko pa rin magawang matanggap na siya ang nakaratay at hindi ako kaya hirap din akong patawarin ang sarili ko.

Yes, I pray all the time that there will always be hope in us, but not in me. It's ironic, I know. Paano nga naman kami mabubuo ulit kung ilang beses nang namatay ang pag-asa sa loob ko? Well, as long as he keeps on fighting, as long as he keeps on hoping, I am alive. I, too, will continue to live.

Nilapag ko ang bag sa sofa at naglakad palapit sa tabi niya. Pinagmasdan ko siya't naramdaman ko agad ang pag-init ng mga mata ko. Naupo ako't hinawakan ko ang kamay niya.

"I miss creating memories with you." I sobbed. "I dreamt about you... again." Hinaplos ko ang pisngi niya. "It's our college life, love, the one we always look forward to. So, please, I need you to wake up."

My parents never approved of us but we managed to push through it. The hope in us is just too strong that we couldn't care less about anything that comes our way. With him, life is full of hopes. Pero nang dumating ang sunod-sunod na problema, hindi ko nakita kung hanggang saan ang limitasyon ng pag-asang meron kami. I got so carried away that I forgot how to weigh the good and bad side of being hopeful in love.

So, I had a hard time adjusting to this kind of situation. Magkasama pa rin nga kami pero magkahiwalay namang lumalaban sa magkaiba pang paraan. Dahil dito, marami ang nawala at nasayang pero pinanghahawakan ko ang ginawa kong pangako sa sarili ko... na kapag nagising na siya ay pupunan at bubuuin ulit namin ang dati.

But...

Will I still be able to live with him now that it's too late for me?

"You need to stop doing it or you'll be forever trapped in that situation," the doctor warned me. "I cannot give you another prescription. It might cause more harm to your health and overdose you."

Naramdaman ko ang panandaliang pag-ikot ng paningin ko hanggang sa unti-unting bumibigat ang talukap ng mga mata ko. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya. I looked at him once again and another set of tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Please, wake up, love..."